if i won, i'd give you all a shout out at the rose ceremony
May 22, 2003, 4:07 pm

There are a few things that I've done in my life that I can truly say, "Hmmmm, I'm not proud of doing that." I consider myself lucky for having not many regrets.

On Tuesday, I did something that I'm not particularly proud of.

Did I sleep with an ex-boyfriend? No. Behave irresponsibly? Not really. Did I intentionally hurt someone that I love? Nope.

I applied to be on The Bachelor.

You may throw me out a windor or strip me of my Women's Studies degree (okay, so it was my minor) at will.

I was dared to do so because Megan is convinced that Bob is my future husband. And come on, it's BOB.

I don't think it'll happen. The application is CLEARLY a screening process for only the hot and vapid, offering up such hard-hitting questions as "Height? Weight?" and "Why do you want to marry BOB?" If the weight thing didn't turn them off my application, I'm certain my short narrative about my undying devotion for all things Bob will.

It went something like this:

"Honestly, I'm not going to bore you with details about needing to 'connect' with anyone on a 'journey' or being ready to 'settle down' and 'find someone special'...in fact, I'm nowhere near that point in my life. The reason I want to be on the show is for one reason only: FAME. Forget about Bob! It's all about me, me, ME! Kidding.

Seriously, I just want to have a good time. I think that's what Bob did on the Bachelorette and that's why we'd make a great match."

I did, however, offer the intern reading my application $100 and oral sex to put in a good word for me for "The Amazing Race" over at CBS, but I don't think s/he will collect.

I've arrived at home two days in a row at 3:30pm. 3:30pm! That's when "Press Your Luck" used to come on when I was in middle school! 3:30pm!!!

To celebrate my new-found time, I decided that yesterday I would take a "work-to-rule" nap, just napping long enough to get the job done, but waking up before it got to be too late. I thought there was no way in the world that my mom would let me sleep through what promised to be our first family dinner in MONTHS.

Well, apparently, I was wrong.

I woke up last night in that confused haze that always accompanies waking up from a long nap. Seeing it was dark and thinking it was morning, I rushed around finding clothes and the like, until I noticed the clock read 11:30. Then I was ass-pissed.

"How dare they!" I bellowed, "I don't know who won 'American Idol'!" (As you can see, I was clearly in a fog, as I'd never admit to watching or caring about that show unless under the influence and/or half-asleep.)

Thinking it was impossible, I laid down to try to get back to sleep; damn if I didn't fall right under sweet sleep's spell.

Yeah, so I guess not getting home until 3:30am will do that to a person.

A lot of my good friends are leaving because of this business with the school system. My kids are asking me if drama is cancelled for next year since the coaches are refusing to sign their fall contracts. The situation is dire.

And the truth is, I feel more panicky now that we're doing work-to-rule. I'm actually using my planning time for good, not socializing, and I'm using class time for grading (something I never, ever do) with limited results. I'm shocked at how awful my children are at independent reading (they're not retaining anything for hopes that I'll translate it for them, and that's SAD; then I realize that I did the exact same thing in school, and that's sad, too). At least I don't have to worry about any of this at home!