whale explodes!
January 30, 2004, 11:04 pm

First, this isn't funny. Nope, not at all. In fact, it's terrible that this poor creature beached himself and died. It's tragic that something so majestic met his untimely demise and instead of finding peace at the bottom of the ocean, was strapped on a truckbed en route to some scientist's lab, ready to be poked and prodded and dismembered until nothing would be left of his whaleself.

Notice I said "his."

Right.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an advocate for the generic male form of language; quite the contrary, so if I say "his", I must mean his. How do I know that this whale was a boy whale? Because the end of the article pays special attention to his penis.

His WHALE PENIS.

Nevermind that a WHALE EXPLODED, covering an entire neighborhood with his innards, shutting down shops, the street, and life as the Taiwanese people knew it for almost a day. How will these people put their lives back together after witnessing such a horrific spectacle?, we may ask ourselves, How WILL they clean up this mess? How have the local businesses been impacted? How is the grieving whale family taking the news? Do we have any satisfaction in gleaning these few details? No, not really, because we've learned this whale's claim-to-fame (besides having his intenstines acting as road barriers and decorating store front windows) was his five-foot long penis.

Locals wanted to see the whale simply to "experience his penis." Hmmmm.

Listen, the closest I've ever come to "experiencing" a ridiculously sized penis was on a wall in a sex toy shop in New Orleans, and that doesn't really count because even though it was a foot long, I was drunk and it never left its packaging. But FIVE FEET? That's almost as tall as me!!! And what is this preoccupation with viewing such a large penis? When people go whale-watching in Alaska, are they simply going to spot Moby's dick? Is THIS what I've been missing?

Sadly, the people gathered to witness the miracle of the whale's member will have to go without seeing the blessed spectacle. The rest of the world will fall pawn to the media's game and delight in the bite-size gore and sexploitation that the story brings. The storeowners and residents of Taiwan will clean up their street and eventually forget about today, once the smell fades.

My dear departed whale, I for one will try to think of the glory you must have brought to the sea and remember you that way, and not, like I categorize most memories of my ex-boyfriends, about the size of your penis.