professionally speaking
May 31, 2005, 8:48 pm

Now that summer is almost upon us and I find myself toiling away doing absolutely nothing and getting paid to do it, I have seriously considered starting a summer business. In fact, my desire for this business may be so great, I have entertained the idea that I may abandon teaching all together to start up.

For the past few months, my limitless talents in the fields of bossiness, creativity, and girly squee have morphed into a juggernaut of unerring business saavy; just about everyone may need my services at some point in their lives, and the sooner I get my name out there, the better. (Are you listening, Minarae?)

I am going to be a Professional Maid of Honor.

Don't scoff because that titter will expose your ignorance. In the past four months, I have sent bi-weekly emails, handcrafted over 50 gorgeous shower invitations, RSVPed, gone on dress fittings, and tasted potential wedding cakes. I have planned the greatest Bachelorette Party/Wedding Shower EVER, and I have the favors and games to prove it. I have even gone so far as to rip the diamond-encrusted brooch from one unworthy bridesmaid who dared enter my battalion without a hint of courtesy for the bride; she is banned from all wedding festivities from now on. I have single-handedly unearthed potential dress miscolorings, dress mishaps, and shoe emergencies and have found solutions for them all LIKE THAT! I have addressed invitations, made bows, and affixed stamps on countless envelopes! Don't tell me every bride is as lucky as Agent Megan to have the GREATEST MAID OF HONOR EVER.

That's why I'm going into business as a Professional M.O.H; I figure every bride has some lazy, good-for-nothing friends who don't want any part of it, and then there are plenty of well-meaning bridesmaids who have no idea where to start. That's where I come in. I can educate these fine ladies to wear their matching lavender taffeta with pride! Bouquets up! Wear the bra you're wearing on that day to your fittings, as well as your shoes!

What would I charge? I figure $50.00 an hour is pretty well worth it for a bride's piece of mind. I come with outstanding references (see A's wedding; Agent Megan)!