biensoul


a required taste for the pretentious as all get out


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da dum dum da dum dum
December 07, 2003, 12:53 pm

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Sportscenter. I'm Bob Rightbrain, alongside me is Jack Leftbrain. Let's not chitchat but go right to the highlights from today's Life Olympiad."

"Absolutely Bob. Jessica Biensoul has led all other players on Earth recently in decision-making, snooze-button pushing, and tear-creating percentage. To Annapolis, then. Here's Biensoul, fast asleep; someone ring the bell, school's back in and the alarm sounds! Ugh, 5:15am, pretty brutal, Bob."

"Biensoul though shows that alarm who's the boss and like Tony and Angela, climbs back into bed."

"I don't believe it! She's going to do it again, and again, and AGAIN!"

"6:25am and Biensoul finally gets out of bed; she's all but mathematically eliminated from making it to school on time today, but SOMEHOW she takes a career record shower and gets there!"

"Now on to meetings with Principals that go horribly awry...there's Jessica Biensoul AGAIN in her Principal's office. As you just heard, the words 'I need a letter of recommendation' just uttered. Charge this to Mastercard because the look on her Principal's face? PRICELESS."

"Master stroke by Biensoul for upping the ante; Kenny Rogers...know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to TURN ON THE WATER WORKS! That's right, Jessica Biensoul has broken down, and is pulling the tear routine with her Principal in saying 'Bitch, I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler!'...and I'm not going to work here anymore after this school year."

"Biensoul, of course, having lots of problems on the holding-it-together field, decides the best thing to do is throw in the proverbial towel and get a new job; stuns her Principal, and feels a tremendous weight lifted from her shoulders. Yet, what's this? Uneasiness has reared its ugly head, Bob."

"She needs to make some decisions, and fast, so she calls on MOM AND DAD AND YAYA."

"Absolutely. The Dream Team takes to the court, and Biensoul hears everything she thought she wanted to hear!"

"Score one for the Biensoul Family, Jack. This week is going to end on a slightly better note, with a school cancellation and the binge drinking with the Shore Boyz...the only thing that could punctuate this week any better would be getting laid."

"Wait just a second, she is, yes, she could GO ALL THE WA---but NO! Denied! A roadblock presents itself on the highway of slutdom, and Biensoul needs a cold shower after this one. Wait, does that work on girls?"

"Nah. Tune in tomorrow folks, where we'll present more metaphors and catchphrases for your entertainment. Go RAVENS!"

"Peace."

I have to stop watching ESPN. No, seriously, when the voices in my head are constantly narrating my life like Sportscenter anchors, it's time to shut off the goddamn tv.

I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm not going away. Love you.

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