july 4th weekend, episode four: the inebriation olympiad 2003
July 12, 2003, 9:33 am
But I didn't even write about the fireworks! From Ryan the Funeral Director's pier, we witnessed no less than FOUR separate sets of fireworks: Annapolis, Bowie, Chesapeake Beach, and Kent Narrows, not to mention the little ones people were setting off their boats in the evening. Very, very cool (and no, these weren't witnessed from underneath the pier; this was earlier.
The REAL reason behind the entire weekend is the INEBRIATION OLYMPIAD! Four teams of skilled drinkers from all walks of life compete in a GRUELING challenge to demonstrate their beer-guzzling prowess, all for the honor of hoisting THE NATTY CUP.
BEHOLD! The Natty Cup! (picture to follow...goddamn Rite Aid, having their picture machine break)
Teams are chosen at random and must complete six events: (I'll include an explanation in case you want to stage your own INEBRIATION OLYMPIAD.)
1. Hiwatha Relay (aka Canoe Races)--Teams stand in a line and face each other. Each team member has two full cups of beer. On referee's command, the first person chugs her/his beer and puts the empty cup on top of her/his head; when this happens, the next person in line does the same, and it continues down the line. The last person in line chugs both beers, and it goes back up the line. The first team to finish, wins.
2. Flip Cup--Two teams face each other on a table, lining a full cup of beer in front of them down the line. When the signal is given, the first person in line chugs his/her beer, and then attempts to flip his/her cup from the edge of the table to an upside-down, upright position (wide-mouth squarely on the table, eh?). When the person does it successfully, the next person in line goes, etc.
3. EXTREME PAIN BOWL--This is a game that the Shore Boys invented; play at your next party for guaranteed laughs and drunkeness! In the center of a table, place a large bowl: THIS IS THE PAIN BOWL. Fill with cheap beer (the Shore Boys prefer Olde English High Gravity 8000...trust us). Each person gets his/her own cup filled with an inch of beer and a quarter. When the referee says "GO!" each person tries to flip their quarter into the cup by bouncing it on the table first. (Yeah, it's Quarters.) When the first person gets it into the cup, that person yells "ONE!" and the next person yells "TWO!" and so on until the last person is left without their quarter in the cup. That person gets ONE rebuttal shot. If s/he misses it, s/he must drink THE PAIN BOWL. If s/he makes it, the next to last person MUST make a rebuttal shot to avoid drinking THE PAIN BOWL. If s/he misses, they are out and must drink. The game continues with each person being eliminated until ONE person stands alone as the victor.
4. Pitcher Patrol Volleyball!--For complete rules, click here.
5. Spin It to Win It (aka Bat Races)--Get two wiffle ball bats. Everyone has their own full cup. Teams line up with beer in hand. The first person on each team chugs their beer and then puts their forehead to the wiffleball bat and the bat to the ground. Referees count the number of spins as each person spins five times around the bat (must be touching both the bat to the head and the bat to the ground). Then s/he runs to a designated area and back again, where the next person in line goes. Whichever team finishes first is the winner.
6. The Big "O" Obstacle Course--You can do this any way you see fit. We wanted to include Keg Rodeo in ours. You can do pong paddle races, stump races, whatever. Each person on the team is responsible for a leg of the race.
1st place=4 points, 2nd place=3 points, etc. for all games with the exception of the relay, where 1st place=8pts., 2nd place=6 pts. etc. The team with the most points at the end is declared the winner.
I came prepared to win: I wore my Jingleheimer Junction t-shirt...I'm the letter "K"...and a flowered lei. My team consisted of Rob, the Donzi Owner, AJ, Lil' Rip, Joe, and myself. We were peaked and ready to go.
The first event, the Hiwatha Relay, was an easy win for us. Since there were four teams, we squared off two at a time and then the winners faced each other and the losers faced each other. I was in the 4th position both times, and my strategy for switching up our Anchor Man worked! For my unerring team spirit and my brain power, I was christened "COACH K" and was responsible for my team's strategizing.
The second event, Flip Cup, was also an easy win for us. We were on our way to victory!
Now, Extreme Pain Bowl was no easy contest. Unfortunately, we faced the best team in the first round, so the highest place we could secure was third place. We did, and set our sights to PPVB!
We should have won, but we were cocky. Despite winning the first game, 5-1, we lost the second game.
Spin it to Win It got us another 3rd place finish, and in the standings going into the last game, we were tied for FIRST PLACE with another team. The Big "O" would settle it all! (Doesn't it always?)
Between each game there was a 15 minute break so teams could use the bathroom, vomit, eat hot dogs, or all three. I used the little girls' room, went to find my team to strategize, and was greeted to watching the Donzi pull out of the pier with 3/5 of my team on it. MY TEAM WAS LEAVING! They abandoned the INEBRIATION OLYMPIAD! Rob, Joe, and AJ (one of the NJ Size Two Princess Bitches) were far, far away by the time I even noticed what was happening.
Lil' Rip and I decided to drown our sorrows by filling the Natty Cup (what should have rightly been ours) with beer and drinking from it for the next three hours.
It turned out that a few of the other team's girls went out on the boat, too, so we called the Natty Cup a draw. The rest of the night I participated in the Keg Rodeo until...
The last installment of my July 4th weekend is here: I injure myself, badly.
Miss the others? 1 2 3