all the rage for 2004, the baby shower drinking game!
February 28, 2004, 6:08 pm
I've discovered the perfect remedy for anyone who, after hemming and hawing over an RSVP, has decided to attend ANOTHER irrelevant baby shower: THE BABY SHOWER DRINKING GAME!
It's easy! Most baby showers offer something along the lines of a boxed wine or mimosas to appease the "still unmarried/single and therefore unhappy and without child" crowd, so why not take advantage of it to bring you into a state of forced euphoria? No more will talk of onesies and diaper genies bring you down when you can vomit on the pure white bassinet!
1. Grab any alcohol lying around for careful 30somethings to sip. Sometimes you'll have to dig for it. See the mimosa-making station? Good. Just grab the champagne.
2. This doesn't work without a competitor and partner-in-crime, so grab the last woman in the room who hasn't had a baby.
3. The drinking goes as follows:
-mom-to-be opens a onesie, drink (if it's a 3-pack, drink 3)
-any mention is made to morning sickness, drink (if it's someone other than the mom-to-be, drink two)
-everytime someone coos "awwww", drink
-everytime someone says, "how cute/adorable!", drink
-anytime the new baby's name is mentioned, drink
-everytime something is opened that fits stereotypical color boundaries (blue for boys; pink for girls), drink two
-whenever the mom-to-be designates something "to keep at grandma's house", drink two (if grandma designates, that's three)
-all stuffed animals, drink two
-whenever someone yells out, "Oh, *insert mom-to-be's name here*, that's a LIFESAVER!" or "I just love mine!" or anything else in this vein, drink two, then slowly plot that person's demise in your head (use evil-eyes, if necessary)
-any reference to "breast" or "nipple", drink two, then smugly comment on how bodacious your own ta-tas are in their perky state
-anytime great-grandma of the child wins a baby shower game, finish your drink and scream "It's a FIX!", then storm out of the room
-if anyone asks you if you have a boyfriend or comments on how your clock "might be ticking", finish your drink, and smash the glass, paper cup, or bottle over her head
You may add any perameters as you see fit. Keep in mind that the drinking game only works for baby showers, but if you're forced to attend a bridal shower, these are the rules:
1. Get a drink...wait, fuck it, make it Scotch.
2. Nurse it in the corner, quietly crying.
That's about it.