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a chiropractor's a person in your neighborhood...
April 28, 2003, 4:24 pm

Because of my shampoo-swallowing, dry-heaving ways, I took a day off today to visit a chiropractor. As I've never been to one, I was thinking: I'm paying a person to crack my back. Couldn't I just get my sister to do this for free? I had no idea what to expect.

As I entered the office, I was greeted by a guy a little taller than me with a stocky (though not unathletic) build, red cropped hair, and a nice smile. "Hi," he offered his hand, "you must be Jessica. You look like a Biensoul." (I get this everywhere I go; there's no denying my dad or my heritage...) "I'm Ray."

Ray? Ray? I'm calling my doctor RAY? Cool!

Anyway, so I had to fill out the requisite paperwork and my medical history. I also had to put little "x's" on naked people where I hurt, and that was exciting ("Hmmmmm...I hurt HERE [boobs], HERE [lower back], and HERE [censored]..."). I also had to put a check next to any problems I've had in the past or present, including:

Alcohol Use I wrote: "describe 'present'?!?! and are you buying?"

and Tobacco Use "Only when I'm at a bar..."

My responses elicited a huge chuckle from Ray who, upon glancing at my clipboarded paperwork, said, "Oh, English major, huh? You filled up the entire paper!"

Cut to Ray's back office, where he wanted to know all about my seedy, unhealthy past and my back-throwing-outing habits. Then he moved me to an examination room that didn't seem too intimidating, but quite nice and cozy, what with its leather chairs and hunter green carpet. "Alright, there's a hook behind the door where you can put your clothes. Leave your underwear and bra on. Here's a gown. Snaps go in the back. Crack the door open when you're done."

EXCUSE ME?!?!

I had NO idea I was supposed to be naked for this. I had no idea that this office visit would require the assistance of a razor and/or underwear that was not a thong. (As I was getting dressed I had decided upon an audacious thong as is my custom to wear when I'm doing something/one new and/or when I'm nervous about something. Today's choice was one I picked up on my ridiculous underwear shopping excursion: shiny, shiny pink floral motif.)

So I'm stripping down in the examination room, cursing the choice of the thong and the hair on my legs, when I notice there's no hooky-thingy (technical term) towards the bottom of the gown. There's one small piece of velcro on one side, but none to attach it to on the reverse. I can't button it up. My entire back is exposed with the purple bra and an entirely inappropriate pink shiny thong. I suck at dressing myself properly.

Ray reenters and I leak an embarrassed laugh, "Uh, there's no snap on the back."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you. The other velcro is on the side."

"Ah," I fumble for the velcro and press it shut.

Ray bends me over the table and makes me do all sorts of weird bendy things to see how "flexible" I am. Anything involving bending over gets a grimace, as does anything directly impacting the left side of my neck.

During this humiliating show and tell, I started thinking that chiropractors must have terrific sex lives. I mean, come on, they know exactly how a body moves and how to make it get in all sorts of fun positions...

I am still pondering this when Ray unzips his pants and whips it out in front of me.

Okay, not really, but you were hoping so, right? He really told me to get dressed and moved me into another "examination room" where he hooked my back and neck up to these pads that were connected to a machine. The pads started vibrating and it felt as if pins and needles were running all over my body. I decided that chiropractors DEFINITELY have great sex lives if they have these types of things at their disposal and have no qualms about using them in all sorts of unethical ways. Involuntarily, I let loose with a few groans as the pads worked their magic on my aching back and neck. See? Chiropractors can get away with anything behind closed doors because groans could just be construed as someone getting the massagy thing treatment!

After ten minutes of the heating pads, Ray said, "Okay, fun part is over. Now it's time for the hard stuff." Uhhmmm. Trust me, I wanted more heating pad stuff, but apparently, this was the real reason I was here. Explaining exactly what he was doing and why, Ray grabbed my arms to my side, twisted my body around, opened my legs, and JUMPED ON ME.

The noise that resulted was DEAFENING. My back cracked in about seventeen places, including one resounding POP that almost made me scream. And wouldn't you know it, but I felt a hell of a lot better.

"Hear that pop?" Ray asked, and I couldn't help but think that his question was as obvious as one may ask 'Did you see that elephant enter the room?' "That's what popped out. I just popped it back in."

You ain't just whistling dixie, Ray, I think a lot of things were popped back in that had been out of joint for a while...maybe my virginity, for one.

Then, with the grace of George "the Animal" Steele, he grabbed my neck and snapped it to the side. Had I signed up for the death-cage match at Wrestlemania 1,000,000 without my knowledge?

"Okay, you're done for the day," Ray smiled as I surveyed the room, "Oh, we need to get you out of those shoes." I started sliding off my new beige thong-sandals with the matchy-matchy turquoise embroidery and stitched in blue pearls that I bought specifically for two outfits last week. I started sliding them off..."Uh, no, I mean, they don't offer your feet support. You need to be wearing cushioned shoes."

"Look, Ray, I just let you snap me in half like a twig, but there's no way in hell I'm giving up these shoes," I scoffed.

Okay, so I didn't say it out loud, but that's what I was thinking. There is no possible way I'm not wearing damn cute shoes, chiropractor or no. I just nodded my head and made a mental note to always wear Nikes to Ray's office.

My next appointment is Wednesday night. Hopefully, I get more back-crackin' action because after the initial shock of the noise, it does feel DAMN good...

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