really, the sex was really, really bad
August 16, 2004, 1:18 pm

Last night, CNET and I went to see Collateral (haiku review: "Tom Cruise with grey hair / I wanted him to survive / Damn, this film's intense"), and a few things hit me on the head so clearly and strongly that I think, my dears, that the infatuation is over.

1. We were seeing the film with another couple, and as he settled into his seat and me into mine, he said, "B, let me sit next to Liz so I can be closer to the popcorn." AFTER I sat down.

2. Tom Cruise gives a speech about staying in the same place for ten years, doing the same thing, yadda yadda, and he clapped me on the shoulder and snorted, "Just like you, B!" It hurt, not because it's not true (because it is), but because he knows that it annoys me when he talks that way.

3. Coming out of the movie, his girlfriend called, and while he was on the phone, I decided to plunk a quarter into one of those bouncy ball machines, and as I was going to put another quarter in to buy him one, he punched my shoulder and motioned the international sign for "Hey-buy-me-a-bouncy-ball-too-would-ya?"

4. I gave him a choice of the bouncy balls, and he chose the pretty yellow one that I wanted.

5. He walked me to my car, and I drove him to his. He has a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is a '69 Chevy with a 396." Ha.

6. My dream last night consisted of me and him in his bedroom, peeling our clothes off and just breathing. I was so frantic and just exhilerated that here, finally, I was getting what I have wanted for over two years...and the sex turned out to be horrible, compounded by the fact that then his mom walked in, and he introduced me as "hey, you know, my friend." I don't need anyone to interpret that dream for me to know what that means. (If you want to read about a really funny dream though, go read my boy Disco's dream.)

So, that's it. I'm giving up the good fight and setting my sights elsewhere. I'm delighted to focus on someone who maybe isn't as perfect for me as I'd want on paper, but at least pay me some attention.

And because you've listened to me whine, you get a tasty prize! I give you...

CICADA COW!