a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





"they stumble that run fast"
April 23, 2004, 1:17 pm

I am a true academic.

No, really, I can hear you trying to suppress that guffaw, but it's true: I'm an academic. I'm a carbon copy of the Scarecrow right after he gets his brain: rattling off the Pythagorean Theorem, not looking up how to spell "theorem" in the dictionary. Simply stated, I'm smart.

I'm soooo smart in fact, that it is only my hectic schedule that keeps me from being the next Joseph Campbell or Jan Brunvand, a published social commentator who, in various academic journals, comments on our lives as Americans and as members of the human race. Seriously, my papers would be sought after by every Ivy League University and every person who speaks solely in SAT vocabulary. Here are a few titles of papers that I thought about on my way to work this morning:

1. Mary Poppins and the Feminine Mystique: Training Our Feminists Early And the Misogynist Backlash (would focus on why, twenty years after viewing the film for the first time, I finally realized what I thought a harmless song by Mrs. Banks is actually a plea for solidarity in Women's Rights; conversely, the disaster that is her parenting style is a thinly veiled commentary eschewing working mothers).

2. The "N" Word: Examining Why Racial Epithets Are So Funny Coming From Dave Chapelle (comparative study wherein I say "nigger" with no context and make myself queasy and uncomfortable by even thinking it, and yet laugh my ass off whenever it escapes Dave Chapelle's lips, hoping it doesn't hide some latent racism that I'm quite sure I don't have).

3. Dumb Dads and Smart Moms: Guess Who Usually Wins? (A study of the number of times Marge Simpson and Lois Griffin have the right answers, but take the backseat to the epiphany and redemption of Homer and Peter by the end of their respective episodes.)

4. Fat And Slutty: The Next Sexual Revolution (Basically, a study of the theorem of how sluttiness is inversely proportional to dress size given an interested partner).

5. Dissecting the "Chick Lit" Phenomenon: Are We Grooming A Generation Of Cheesecake-Eating Housewives? (Also known as the "You Go Girl" article from the Onion.)

6. Bird Dropping Rates On Specific Car Colors: What Every Prospective Consumer Should Know (Where I study the incidence of bird poop on cars of specific colors; finally answering the question why, when no one else's car is TOUCHED around mine, my car has more bird shit on it than the Lincoln Memorial.)

Pressing questions and things that should be researched, immediately. Damn, I'm so freaking smart.

Oh yeah, the play was awesome, well-received, etc. I sobbed all day Sunday because I loved this cast. I'm disappointed that it's over. Seriously, I want to adopt all of them.

Come one, come all. I'll be there. You come, too.

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