October 06, 2005, 2:40 pm
Thumper dated and lived with a girl for three years in the interim that we didn't speak to one another. He has told me time and time again that he wasn't looking for a relationship when we got together; he told me it was a credit to how awesome I was and how much he is in love with me that we're boyfriend and girlfriend because the last thing he wanted was a relationship. This is nothing new.
But it gnaws.
The other night, as we were painting the dining room "Rejuvenate" (a light, sagey green color, very pretty), the unspeakable doubt crossed my mind again and I lashed out. The doubt coincidentally comes two days before my period hits; it disguises itself as jealousy or annoyance, when I really know it is fear. See, I know as I knew then that he wasn't ready for all this; I know as I knew then that maybe I wasn't, but I certainly am now. It is the weight I carry constantly, this waiting for the other shoe to drop. The questions that surround my faith: I am convinced this is it for me, and I'm confident he is too, so why do I seek such ridiculous validation all the time. Why do I want what maybe he can't give me right now?
He's loving me the best he can. It is enough.
Until I start worrying about three to six years from now when he worries that he didn't get enough time alone, when he might doubt that I was the right decision after all. What then?
Please tell me these feelings are normal; the once-in-a-while pinching that okay, maybe this can't be real, can it? Maybe this has gone on for too long, or maybe he isn't as happy as he says he is?
There is chicken soup because I am not well; he makes this from scratch, and he brings it to me on a little tray. He cuddles me on the couch and plays a DVD he purchased for this purpose; he looks admiringly at the newly be-yellowed and be-greened walls and says it's so much better.
Am I enough?
Signs point to yes.
Dear God, I better be.