hell hath no fury than a bridesmaid in a smoking dress
February 21, 2004, 2:53 pm

Very seldom in life does one enter what alarmingly appears to be a perfect picture of one's own Hell. This morning I felt the flames of Hades engulfing my adorable shoes as I stepped into *cue spooky music* the BRIDAL SHOP ON A SATURDAY.

I have never seen so many tiny blonde brides admiring themselves in mirrors at once. Never before in the history of the world have there been so many bitchy mothers assembled in one convenient place. Dressed up sales staff were cooing at every ugly-lace bedecked girl on a platform. It was my full nightmare come true: everyone in the world is a blushing, happy bride except me.

I tried for fifteen minutes to find A, her mom, and the rest of our gang of merry bridesmaids amidst thousands of yards of beading and tulle and too many skinny girls in periwinkle gowns. Finally, A's mom came to my rescue, and the humiliation of finding a dress that would fit me started.

The dresses are lovely. They're "apple red" which is a nice color for fall, and even better for me since when I wear red I immediately have lines of men willing to have sex with me. A has decided we're all to pick our own top from a rack of "separates" to insure that a) everyone likes the dress and b) it fits everyone well.

You have to understand something about the bridal party: they're all blonde. All of them. The fattest of all of them? Size 6. Riiiight. Obviously, my mission was clear: pick the top NO ONE ELSE is wearing. While the girls were busy with their halters, I chose the sexiest there thinking, never could I wear this thing. Um, guess what I'm wearing in the wedding? A strapless top with beaded trim and a taffeta a-line skirt! Yeah, I'm strapless. The boning in the front takes down my tummy and pushes up my boobs, insuring that I'll be taking a boning from some hot groomsman once everyone sees how fucking hot I am in this dress.

Quoth the bride: "Dammit Jess, why are you going to look so sexy at my wedding?"

Quoth a bridesmaid: "Okay, this isn't fair. How come Jess looks better than all of us?"

Another bridesmaid: "Because she has the tits to hold up that top."

You bet your sweet ass I do.