beware of eyebrows
May 02, 2003, 4:09 pm

Senior prom tonight. Scott will be there. KP will be there. Brettski will be there. CNET will not. Phooey. Film at 11 on that one.

Gorbachev's birthmark. Castro's beard. J. Lo's butt. Everyone has one thing about their appearance that is unmistakably theirs; the one thing that a caricature (sp?) artist would have a field day with in a picture.

My one thing, the most distinctive look about me, is (are) my eyebrows.

Since I was little, people have always commented on their thickness, color, and density. They are as palpable a part of my personality as any other facet of my being.

But it takes tending to have such a distinctive physical feature; my eyebrows need constant care. I must weed them if they are overgrown; they must be given moisture if they are dry. They are demanding, my eyebrows, and they always want to seem to be together in a nasty, unibrow way. I have to spend a lot of money on these puppies.

So today, right before prom, I knew I needed them waxed, knowing full well my reaction to waxing and the redness that follows. Umhmmm. Foreshadowing, kids.

I decided against hitting the usual salon-type places I normally frequent and my cacophony of able ladies who know my brows well enough to do a great job in favor of a smaller salon that I went to in high school near my old house. Admittedly I was a bit nervous about returning as while all the people there are very kind, I feel very awkward when I have to ask a few of the women to repeat what they just said because of their broken English and my tricky ears. I always feel like a horrible, insensitive American-type that doesn't look at someone as a human being if I can't understand what they're saying. I thought it best to avoid the situation completely, but then I showed up and showed myself what a prig I was being by saying, "Uh, Jess? You're avoiding a place just because there are people there who speak broken English? What kind of bigot ARE YOU?!? Next thing you know, you'll be waving the confederate flag! Go to the fucking salon, you big baby. Did you ever think that maybe you don't understand because you consciously avoid all interaction with people who don't speak English to avoid embarrassment? SUCK IT UP AND LEARN, DUMBASS!"

So I did.

And I although I did have to ask Miss Nancy to repeat herself a few times, I didn't feel all that awkward. There's no mistaking someone shaking their head and clucking at the sight of your nubbly nails during a manicure. That's the same in any language. (I should be more embarrassed about the state of my nails, seriously, but she made do.)

Until she took me back to the waxing room.

In honor of prom, I decided to do something about the brillo pads growing directly above my eyes and get my brows waxed.