a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





week one: football '04
September 12, 2004, 10:59 am

It has been too long, but I have a good excuse: my check card was taken by a bandit in the night, my life has been on hold, my school year is going so unbelievably well I shudder to think it might change, I'm in love with ANOTHER cute new English teacher, I got lost in Baltimore, and I threw a Bachelorette party (presumably my check card is in a hot waiter's belt somewhere). Anyway, the point of this entry is NOT a JournalCon recap, nor is it picture time from the past two weeks, but it is that time of year again: FOOTBALL.

I'm aware that most of the online journaling community isn't exactly what we'd like to call "sports saavy"; I'm further aware that a lot of our reputation as a sort of introverted, self-analyzing, and somewhat dorky lot may be well-deserved (unless we're at JournalCon, and then it's just awesome), and that's fine. I also know that due to my superior athletic pedigree and by virtue of living within 15 miles of Baltimore my entire life I skip out of that description and go directly to "dumb jock" and not only that, but a "dumb jock that keeps a diary". I'm fine with that, really. In the interest of tooting my own horn (or, as often happens here, regretting everything I've ever built up or upon), I will document my NFL picks week-by-week for the three people that may care about the NFL, or for anyone who wants to know who to pick against.

Seriously, to start? I need a good name; Chris Berman is the Swami, Hank Goldberg is the Hammer, my college pigskin prognosticator was the Guru...I deem my Pick Name to be...the Princess! Ha ha! Let the games begin!

Note: Teams in BOLD are my picks. As scores come in, I update the site, putting the names of teams who actually won the game in ITALICS. Capiche?

Week One: September 12th

1. Cardinals at Rams: Two Cardinals players failed their physicals this week, so while they're scrambling to fill the gap, the Rams will be clamoring to start the season off 1-0. Considering Bulger has thrown for five times as many yards against the Cardinals defense than the Cards' QB, this one seems, uh how does one put this? An easy fucking pick.

2. Ravens at Browns: Oh, Cleveland hates us, yes they do. Not only do we take their beloved Browns, but we rub salt in the wound by being better year after year. Jamal Lewis ran for 500 YARDS against Cleveland last year; even though their defense is a bit better, look for him to go maybe 450. It's a possibility since he's not due for court until November 1st. I won't even get started on how pumped Ray-ray will be. GO RAVENS!

3. Bengals at Jets: It's been 16 years since the Ickey Shuffle? Really? It's been that long since the Bengals had a season past Christmas?

4. Lions at Bears: Ugh. Talk about the blind leading the blind. How about I pick the Lions here and every week because they're bound to win once?

5. Jaguars at Bills: Evenly matched, strong defenses with two offenses looking to prove something. I'll go with the Bills since in the court of public opinion, they have the most to lose. The Jaguars are hosting the Super Bowl this year, which is nice, but they won't be playing in it.

6. Raiders at Steelers: News flash! The Steelers might not suck ass this season! Look for a tough battle for the top of the AFC North; a far cry from last year's trouncing by the Ravens. I'm not worried, though.

7. Chargers at Texans: Huh. Two teams I know nothing nor do I care anything about.

8. Seahawks at Saints: Let's see, Seahawks returned most if not all of their Playoff team, but the Saints didn't manage any big changes in a shitty line-up? AND their quarterback limps? Oh, poor Deuce McAllister. You just keep running, little buddy. Because everyone else sucks, you're the big star, and that has to count for something, right?

9. Bucs at Redskins: Everyone 'round these parts is so freaking excited about Joe Gibbs, blah, blah, blah. As a kid, I was taught to hate the Redskins, so on general principle, they will lose today. Or not. Even if they don't, I won't give them the satisfaction of a "win" prediction.

10. Falcons at 49ers: Notice you hear a ton about Michael Vick, but virtually nothing about the rest of the team? Yeah, there's a reason for that.

11. Cowboys at Vikings: Listen Minnesota, I picked you all the time last season, and you didn't disappoint for the first nine games, but then you LOST. A LOT. Win today and next week, but don't get too full of yourselves, okay?

12. Giants at Eagles: It's McNabb's team; if he leads, they win, if not, well, enjoy your Super Bowl party in your houses, fellas.

13. Chiefs at Broncos: The Broncos are still mourning the loss of Clinton Portis and trying to focus on defense; the Chiefs have gelled again with all-around great performers and will have no problem sticking it to the wounded opposition today.

14. Green Bay at Panthers: Oooh, pretty! Two great teams! Hot quarterbacks! Clashing uniforms! Um, Favre is cuter.

I am already 1-1 this week as I picked the Colts over the Patriots (oops) and Titans to beat Miami (woo-hoo!). Thank you for your patience. I love you all!

This week's record: 11-6. Ugh.

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