are you ready for some football?
November 09, 2003, 12:11 pm
I don't mean to brag, but...
(Oh, who am I kidding? OF COURSE I MEAN TO BRAG! Anyone that starts a sentence like that is flat-out LYING, kids. Take it from your Aunt Biensoul, the only reason they would start a sentence that way would be to sound humble when they're really not.)
I mean to brag, and here it goes: I AM AWESOME.
No, not your garden-variety, every day awesome, oh no. I am a new breed of awesome, my dearest darlings.
So awesome, in fact, that you should be quaking in fear right now. Your meager, wrinkled, and wrong picks for Week 10's football games are powerless against me, the GODDESS OF THE GRIDIRON.
All you doubters, haters, and patsies need to sit out in the living room because you can't stand the heat emanating from this kitchen, no siree. Shall we break down the stats for you?
FACT: I have never been under 500 for my picks ONCE this year.
FACT: For the past five weeks, I have won or have tied in the school's football pool EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
FACT: The previous four weeks, I finished in second or third place in a group of 12-15 men.
FACT: All the football coaches hate my guts because I keep taking their money.
FACT: This week's pool said at the top, "We Must Take Down Biensoul."
FACT: Last week I only lost two games; the closest person to me lost six.
FACT: I FUCKING RULE.
So go 'head, you little peons, and make your bets for today. I thank you for your contribution of five bucks to the "Buy Biensoul Another Beer" fund. Now get out of my bar and make me a sandwich.
Oh, you want a piece of this? Okay hotshot, let's go:
Biensoul's Sunday Picks (Week 10)
1. Arizona at Pittsburgh: Yeah, the Steelers suck and I hate them. Yeah, I've been laughing that they've lost their last five games. Guess what? They've lost too many games at home this year; today the make up for it. Arizona ain't that good.
2. Atlanta at New York Giants: Michael Vick is back this week, right? No? Soooo sorry.
3. Chicago at Detroit: Christ on a bike. The blind leading the blind. Count on the Lions to surprise da Bears.
4. Cleveland at Kansas City: I heart Dante Hall. I want to have his babies. His speedy, small babies. 9-0!
5. Houston at Cincy: In case you haven't noticed, Cincinnati can actually win a game or two. Make that three.
6. Indy at Jacksonville: Finally, a game where the home team will get spanked. Okay, maybe not spanked, but they ARE the Colts, after all...
7. Miami at Tennessee: This will be a close game, but bet the over. Tennessee will come out on top...just barely.
8. Seattle at Washington: Pig nose: $8. Grass skirt: $12. Authentic Redskins jersey: $98. Watching your favorite team get rocked while biensoul laughs at you? Priceless.
9. Tampa at Carolina: Please.
10. Minnesota at San Diego: Last week the Vikings lost. Don't count on them making the same mistake two weeks in a row.
11. Buffalo at Dallas: Ugh.
12. Jets at Oakland: Remember in the early 90s when EVERY KID in middle school and high school wore an L.A. Raiders Starter jacket? Okay, so maybe I'm the only one that remembers.
13. Baltimore at St. Louis: I firmly believe that the Ravens can beat ANY team they play. If they can hold it together and both of my future husbands play well, it's more than a distinct possibility. I LOVE YOU, KYLE AND TODD!
14. Philly at Green Bay: I want to pick Philly. I really, really want to pick Philly, but I can't. It's a close one, though.
So there. Maybe I'll make this a weekly thing. If I embarrass myself with my bombast here, well, I deserve it. All of the stuff above about my football picks are absolutely true, though. We'll see how I do.