a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





offensive superheroes, to the rescue!
October 30, 2005, 10:12 pm

We interrupt the gaggle of JCon-related entries to bring you tidings of life in the flu dungeon, or as I like to say, HOME.

Halloween. I fucking love Halloween. I take it very seriously. In fact, four months ago, Thumper and I had this conversation:

"Honey, we need to decide on what we're going to be for Halloween."
"Hon, it's June."
"Exactly! We need a good idea before someone else steals ours!"
"*shaking head* Um, how about we have this conversation in September?"
"No! Now! *cue pout*"
"Tell you what, you get on the internet and pick out something, and I'll play video games and nod whenever you throw out an idea."

So that's what I did.

I can't pinpoint why I was so obsessed with Thumper and I having some type of Couple-Costume thing going on this year; maybe because I've never really done that before? (Except for when Dave and I went as Captain Living Room and The Bathroom Avenger that one year, but we weren't dating, so it doesn't count. Damn, those were great costumes.) I don't know, but the clever couple thing really appealed to me in ways even I was embarrassed to admit.

We were going to be Shrek and Fiona, but Thumper vetoed it on the count of it being too "childish." Thumper volunteered "Captain and Coke" where he would dress as Captain Morgan and I would dress as a Coke bottle, but it was too expensive trying to find costume solutions.

Harley insisted we have a Halloween party, so he could have someplace to wear his bum costume, and we set a date, invited both sets of parents and a smattering of friends from both sides, and sent out the evites. It was supposed to be last night, and after I ran around all morning stocking up on food and after freaking out over favors I left at my parents' from Oriental Trading Company, and after a sleepless night of To-Do lists (c'mon, you all know me that well to know that's how I plan a party), I came home to Thumper, wearing a sweatshirt and pajama bottoms, covered in two thick blankets, in front of the space heater, shivering on the couch.


His temperature was around the 102 mark, and after a rigorous drug cocktail of DayQuil, Advil Cold and Flu, and hot tea, we deemed it necessary to call it all off. To say I was disappointed was a severe understatement, but at least I got a nap and we ate the bruschetta and beer bread for dinner and it was delicious, so it wasn't a total waste, but our costumes may have been.

So, the costumes.

Thumper insisted, as things became increasingly girly on the costume end (I offered Raggedy Ann and Andy and was treated to a stink eye), that we be something offensive. I suggested "Almond Joy and Mounds" bars (his: "I have nuts"; mine: "I don't"), but he wouldn't have it. We toyed with the idea of going as Marv and Goldie from Sin City, but while he has the perfect Marv build, alas, as Goldie, I may have lacked several key distinguishing characteristics, such as a flat stomach, perfect, perky breasts, shapely thighs, etc. etc. etc.

I remember sitting on the couch and offering that a shower curtain made a cheap superhero cape, and Chris jumped up and shouted something about a Moose Knuckle. I countered with Camel Toe, and we were off.

We're going to be Captain Moose Knuckle and The Camel Toe Commander. You are permitted to show your disappointment with me as a model citizen, blah blah.
We listen to Elliot In the Morning too much.

We've even made capes for Jack and Jill: Jill is our faithful sidekick, Blue Balls, and Jack is our arch-nemesis, The Grapes of Wrath (kudos to Thumper for that one). Anyway, it was probably best that the party was canceled because I didn't want to have to explain to my mother what a Moose Knuckle is. Everything works out for a reason, I guess.

Boo to you and yours this Halloween!

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