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jack black will most certainly keep me warm
December 07, 2002, 7:42 pm

As you sit in your pajamas with the ever-present diet cola of your choice by your side, scanning your favorite diaries, checking to see if the number of people who have listed you as a favorite has gone up, flipping back and forth between my diary and that free porn site that you're pretending "just popped up" on your screen, I just thought I'd let you know that I'm all dressed up and I'm about to go out.

I have TWO Christmas parties to attend this evening. One is the annual HO-HO-HO Ball at the Greek church. Now, you may be saying to yourself, isn't a church function normally frequented by big-haired women in sparkly holly pins and unbelievably festive spandex pants? Well, yes, if perhaps you're attending a church that's not the style trend mecca of the Greek Church.

At any Greek function, everyone there dresses in black. I am bucking trend because I'm clad in a super bright red sweater with a faux black fur collar, and a l-o-n-g black lace skirt that not only splits seductively around my left calf, but accentuates the roundness of my ample ass in the appropriate day-amn fashion. Frankly put, I look hot. I'm ready for an evening of souvlaki and Greek dancing (despite the impossible height of my strappy shoes).

In the past, we have brought friends with us to the dance, but it's rather low-key this year. I'm not going to drink (I have to drive) and if I did, I'd probably puke up the entire contents of the bottle of Coppola Claret I imbibed last night. (Ugh.) I think it'll be fun.

After the Greek dance, I'm headed to Becky's party. Three people have asked me if I was planning on repeating last year's stellar performance which resulted in me, spread-eagled on the floor facing her steep Baltimore-rowhome stairs, screeching in a voice as loud as the garbage truck outside all of the words to Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently". At the time, I was convinced that any passing record exec would snatch me off the floor and offer me a tour (hey, it worked for Toni Braxton). I found out later that not only did I get a requisite "cut-off" from everyone at the party, but I so annoyed Becky's beau that he couldn't sleep for the rest of the evening. Whoops.

I promise to be on my best behavior tonight, though...well, at least I can promise no Tenacious D sing-alongs. Okay, at least I can promise no Tenacious D at the top of Becky's stairs, and I'll keep my legs closed this time.

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