love letters to the men of vegas
July 27, 2004, 2:38 am

Dear Joe from Ohio,

Thank you for helping my Yaya play "Let it Ride" at your table; the fact that she lost all her money, I'm sure, was not your fault. Thank you also for taking me out on the dance floor and in your drunken stupor licking my neck. It was fun, and a great way to spend my first night in Vegas with my sisters.

I was, I have to admit, relieved when you stumbled your way to the Blackjack table so I could make a hasty exit and go to bed around 3:00am.

Best,

Jess

Dear Chad,

Oh Chad, where do I begin? Why am I thinking about you now? Could it be that you were the other cool person that I talked to besides the really nice Canadian/Gillette commercial people in line in front of us at Studio 54? Could it be that my sister described you as her kind of hot, which is usually reserved for gentlemen of the Abercrombie model variety? Could it be that within five minutes of dancing with you (or at least I think so...keep in mind that I had been drinking since 4:00pm and it was nearing midnight and that drinking involved an entire bottle of vodka split between my sisters and cousins and I) we were making out hot and heavy and I thought, At last, I'm going to live out my banging-some-cute-guy-on-the-floor-of-Studio-54 fantasy? Could it be that you had me backed into a railing and was putting your hand up my skirt as I watched my sister pass out in the middle of the dance floor? Could it be that as the guards escorted my sister and I out the door and she screamed at me the entire way home, I thought I'd rather be with you? Could it be that you got my hotel room number from my other sister (who remained in the club) and called me and left me your cell phone number? Could it be that when, at 5:45am, I was drunk and out again and decided to call you, a girl answered your phone was ass-PISSED that I called?

Whatever it was, dear Chad, I will never forget that you thought I was hot, and that you were pissed that I was Terps fan. Not sleeping with you may be the greatest regret I have this month.

Best,

Jessi

Dear Adam,

Stop calling my cousin. She doesn't want to talk to you. She made out with you because you bought us breakfast.

And I still don't believe you're a pilot, you tool.

Best,

Jessi

Dear Cute-Dealer-From-Two-Years-Ago,

Hey! I looked around for you, but you weren't there. I think about you when I think about Meet The Parents. Is that weird?

Best,

Jessi

Dear Dad,

Thank you for winning $450 in the slot machine and then taking everyone to dinner. That was nice. I appreciated it.

Also, you paid for the trip, and I didn't thank you enough then, so, thanks. I love you.

Love,

Jessica