mother's grille is a hot-bed of drama
April 06, 2003, 4:06 pm

Woo boy, I bet you didn't see this coming, did you? I think my brain is surrounded by a layer of liquid sweet alcohol.

Yeah, so, the story.

Last night a bunch of us went out to celebrate Becky's birthday (which is really Tuesday, but who cares?). We went downtown Baltimore to Federal Hill (one of my personal favorite bar-crawl areas) and to Mother's, a pretty well-known establishment around the Baltimore area. We decided to hang out at the top bar, as the bottom bar was crowded and allowed no access to a Centipede machine.

Upstairs, CNET challenged me to a game of pool; we're both horrible, but I really enjoyed the shameless flirting that took place. This was way before either of us reached drink 9, 10, or 11...and believe you me, we got there in a hurry. We played pool and lost against another couple, and CNET just proved he's the nicest, sweetest guy in the universe by being so friendly and outgoing, engaging them in polite conversation, just like I always do.

Then came the drinks. And more drinks. And MORE DRINKS. It was getting absurd indeed. Cut to:

The scene outside of Mother's Bar and Grille, April 6, 2003, roughly 2:07am, and transcribed mostly from a hazy memory (but I swear, it's true)...Keep in mind that during this conversation, a lot of repeated things have been deleted as we were really, really drunk

CNET: We have to wait for Lucky! Dude, we have to wait for Lucky!

Me: *shivering without a coat in a hot-ass red shirt* Okay. I think everyone else has left, though...can I wear your jacket? (ed. note: Everyone else, including Lucky, HAD left, leaving CNET and I stranded in Federal Hill with no way of getting home and/or to Becky's house)

Sure, gorgeous. Here. (ed. note: He ALWAYS calls me Gorgeous. It's his petname for me...this is important for what is about to happen next.) I better call Elizabi. She's probably wondering where I am. (ed. note: His girlfriend; yeah, I know.)

Um, she's at a bachelorette party.

*his phone rings* Oh look!

Is it your conscience?

*on phone*Oh, hey Gorgeous...no, I'm outside, I wanna walk Jessi home. No, I'm gonna walk Jessi home, okay? No, I'm gonna walk Jessi home, okay?

*bursting into tears and storming away...I know, but I was drunk*

Wait, wait, I'll call you...*hangs up* Jessi! My Jessi! Jessi! *running after me, grabbing me by the arm* What's wrong, my Jessi? What's wrong? *hugging me and smoothing my hair*

*sniveling and crying* You called her Gorgeous! It's just...not fair! *storming off again*

Hey! Hey! Sweetie! Please don't be mad, please don't be mad. You're my Jessi, you're my heart, I mean it. My year would have been nothing without you. Hey, hey, Jessi, my Jessi, don't cry. Please don't. Okay, I want you to go like this *puckers lips and stands still*

Okay. *puckers lips, closes eyes, and tilts head upward; feels faint brush of his lips on mine that holds for a couple of seconds*

See, Gorgeous, listen, you're my heart, okay? You're my heart.

I better call Brett; he'll pick me up. *gets out phone as his rings again*

No, I'm walking Jess--okay, pick us up. We're on the corner of Charles and Osmend, okay? CORNER OF CHARLES AND OSMEND! See you in two minutes.

Brett, no, no, you guys left. YOU LEFT! Okay, no, in front of Mother's. Okay. Get here.

Elisa-bi is coming to get us.

Brett is picking me up.

No, I wanna walk you home.

Well, I don't want you to, you have to go with your girlfriend.

No I don't, look, I wanna walk you home.

*storms off in the direction of Mother's* She's gonna pick you up here. Let's stay here. *watches sadly as a cab pulls up with a bunch of skinny blonde girls in the back seat*

Hey! Look! Elisa-bi! Come on, Jess.

They dropped me off in front of Mother's and sped away. Elisabeth was not pleased, to say the least, to see me in his jacket. I had to give it back before I got out. Furthermore, they left me stranded on the side of the street in front of a closed-down bar in the freezing cold. I would have NEVER done that; I would have at least waited until I knew the person was okay.

Brett and Becky picked me up nearly 15 minutes later.

It was awful.

I felt like Ralph Wiggum on the Valentine's episode where you can actually see his heart breaking over and over again.

Brett dropped Becky off at her house downtown, and we headed home for Annapolis. Coming up one of the streets, we saw a car, completely smashed into a telephone pole. We hopped out to make sure the people inside were okay.

A girl was sobbing at the side of the car. There was no one else around.

Her name was Katie, she insisted she only had two drinks, and she wanted to drive the car home. Brett broke the news to her that unless she was planning on pushing the car, there was no way it would make it home. The engine had completely collapsed like an accordian; there was smoke and debris everywhere. A bumper lay five feet away on the curb.

I tried calling Katie's roommate, her boyfriend, and her dad. No answer anywhere (it was around 3:00am). The police arrived, and Katie explained that she had been reaching for her cd case when she lost control and rammed into the telephone pole. Brett calmed her down. The officer told us that since we weren't involved, we could leave, but we said we'd drive Katie home. The officer told us actually, that he would drive her home to make sure she'd get home okay, and we could leave. Then he said to me, "Hey, didn't I just see you on Cross Street outside of Mother's?"

Me: Uh, yeah. I've had too much to drink. He picked me up to take me home.

Officer: Good man. Yeah, you guys better get on home. Thanks.

We gave Katie hugs, and got in the car.

Brett: That girl was so fucking drunk that I can't believe she made it that far from the bar. She's lucky she didn't kill someone.

Good Luck, Katie, I hope you made it home okay.