to move or not to move?
April 10, 2004, 10:28 pm
Mom sat me down the other day and laid out her thoughts thusly:
1. From November 1st to roughly March 16, I was disturbingly depressed on the verge of crazy.
2. The preceding craziness had everything to do with people leaving my life that I didn't want to leave, and therefore my non-craziness hinges on reclaiming those people by moving in with them in another time zone completely.
3. I'm better now, and isn't it stupid to leave a good job with good benefits and good pay for a lark?
4. Besides, if I left home and had another crazy flare up, there would be nothing she or my dad could do for me because they could barely do anything for me before and they were in the same house.
5. Why not just transfer to another school where kids won't hit me?
6. Dammit, I'm such a great teacher; she'd hate to see me throw away something I'm so good at for the wrong reasons.
7. The wrong reasons are, obviously, that I'm still in love with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me SEVEN YEARS ago. AND that there's something glamorous and exciting about "that" lifestyle.
Okay, so once Mom got everything off her chest, I broke down the points she raised:
1. Yes, indeed, I was not myself for almost six months. Indeed, the terms "clinically depressed" and "completely fucking crazy-out-of-her-gourd" were thrown around. Now, I don't believe in a lot of that stuff, but to say I was imbalanced is probably an astute assessment of my behavior over that time. Though I'm still dealing with several "bad" factors that exist, I seem to have made a complete turn-around (I don't get it either) stemming from the day Hooligan hit me.
2. I cited June through August, 1997, January through June, 1999, and my entire year of graduate school as precursors for my pattern of "crazy" behavior, all stemming from different things (homesickness, family issues, and stress, respectively). Also, I pointed out that the reason I was losing sleep in November rested mostly on the following factors: the play from hell, bizarre behavior of my students, 208+ students, and too many preps.
3. Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's unreasonable, irrational, and completely unnecessary.
4. Yes, but if I don't start dealing with some of my issues myself without having my parents bailing me out every five seconds (ibid, the gas incident), then I'm never going to learn, am I?
5. I did give it some thought, but this county is pure evil. It's not enough to simply transfer schools.
6. Exactly, which is why I'd want to continue teaching because I do love it, but I need to step back a bit from the fire.
7. This is the reason I have to go, pure and simple: because if I don't go now, I'll never go. If I don't go, I'll never forgive myself. If I don't leave, I'll feel worse about myself. I've never been tested; this is the time.
And once I said that, she understood. And once I promised her that her suspicions were false, she felt better. And once I told her why I had to go, she knew.
Because she never went, and while she's happy how things have turned out, she doesn't want me to wonder either.
The logistics are a nightmare, but it has to happen.