a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





america's greatest living hero
May 17, 2006, 8:16 pm

After long hours of consideration, I finally made a decision today that settled a long-standing argument in my heart.

I know who I would choose to meet if I had the choice to meet anyone alive right now.

It came to me while vaccuuming and casually glancing at the television this afternoon: two of my most guiltiest of guilty pleasures were intertwined in some sort of crazy, divinely inspired universe. That is to say, Martha Stewart had Richard Simmons on her show today. I never watch her show, and the day I do? Richard Simmons. In a bespeckled and bedazzled black tank top, tiny white shorts, and lots of white-man afro. It was glorious.

If Jessica Biensoul were given a choice to meet anyone alive, her choice would be Richard Simmons.

While you shake your head ruefully, consider this:

Richard Simmons makes people happy. Watch his videos; look at the people on his cruise ships. My God, a woman that weighs 450 pounds and probably hasn't laughed, let alone leave her house for years, is sweatin' to the oldies, God bless her. Why? Because Richard Simmons believes in her, even if you don't or she doesn't; he does. For real.

Richard Simmons doesn't take shit from ANYBODY. Witness his attitude today when Martha made some derisive crack about all the people around him needed to lose weight. He gave her a look and sneered, "Martha, it was beautiful and touching" in a tone that clearly said, "Fuck off, lady. Your satin ribbon wreaths cannot make people feel needed or valuable in ways that I can. Shut up." And she did.
Witness his altercation in an airport, when a man made fun of Richard's life work. He SLAPPED the FUCK out of him. You cannot mess with Richard Simmons.

Richard Simmons accepts himself for who he is. Honestly, look at his hair. The man is comfortable enough to say, "I'm an old white man with unfortunate hair and a hairy chest, but in no way does that make me unhappy. NO WAY. I'm going to sparkle the HELL out of this tank top." Have you seen his calves? The man practices what he preaches and does it with enthusiasm.

Richard Simmons is an educator.
He gets people to do something for themselves that they didn't believe possible. He gives them managable goals, and he never talks down to them, but talks them up. He wants people to have fun. Have you ever seen him upset or not boisterous? Seriously, have you?

Richard Simmons builds his life on giving people joy. He changes lives for the better. Sounds like a pretty good gig to me.

Does Richard Simmons have a life partner? I hope he's happy, truly. I think he really deserves it.

I wonder if I can get one of those sparkly tank tops?

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