all of this would have been funny at age 20
April 04, 2004, 9:48 pm

This good news is that I'm alive. The bad news is that I don't see how I managed to survive last night.

Oh, it started off innocently enough. I was to meet the Shore Boyz at Harris' Crab House, we were to eat crabs and drink beer, and then return to Ryan the Funeral Director's house (above the funeral home, naturally) where I could sleep on the couch and then come home this morning.

What instead transpired was that at some point I passed my normal "giddy" drunkeness and ended up somehow so inebriated that I crown it the third drunkest I'd ever been in my life. When a typical college student says something like that, it's just a figure of speech, but as a well-worn veteran of the drinking war, last night will probably be known as my Waterloo for at least the next year or two.

I don't know how I managed to turn a plastic cup of Miller Lite into nineteen or so; I'm not sure why I thought eating a Nutty Buddy ice cream with Old Bay was so delicious (surprisingly it was, but its return trip was NOT a pleasant one). I'm not sure why, after realizing that I couldn't even SEE the questions on the screen, I screamed to the entire bar that I was the Queen of Trivia, and anyone was daft to dare oppose me. I vaguely remember Ryan storming into the women's restroom to rescue me because not only had I puked all over myself, but the floor, the toilet, and any other available surface at the bar.

In a charming display surely to haunt his nightmares for a long, long time, Ryan also had to witness me tearfully confess amidst my pile of puke that I had also peed in my pants, and the puddle of what he thought was water under his feet was also my urine.

I'm not sure how Ryan managed to swerve my car to his house, but it's a good thing we weren't a) arrested or b) killed or c) all of the above as we banged our shins trying to scamper up the steps. We both passed out on the floor where sometime around 4:00am I threw up on my hands, my shirt, and the white carpet. I tried to get out the stain but quickly gave up realizing I couldn't stand.

There is good news here and a lesson learned: I've never been sicker or more hungover than I am today. I feel terrible about Ryan's carpet, and I'm missing $50 out of my wallet (I think I may have left it as a tip...I don't remember). The other good news is that Sam the Farmer and his awesome fiancee Marlene have asked me to do the readings, a prayer, and m.c. their wedding reception as well as make their cake topper, so that was nice.

Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again.

Okay, I'm never, ever eating ice cream with Old Bay again with beer. Ugh.