a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





i saw a monkey's penis
October 21, 2005, 6:56 am

I love the zoo. I. Love. The. Zoo. So, being in San Diego, what else are you going to do? Honestly! One of the most World Famous Zoos, oops, and I, a ZOO LOVER, am not going to go? Puhleeze.

The first thing that was great about the San Diego Zoo? SKYFARI. It's a RIDE! It zips you from one end of the zoo to the other IN THE SKY like those lifty thingys at Kings Dominion. Thumper and I had our own car, whispered nasty things we should do to one another, and then decided it was in our best interests to stay on our own sides because we didn't want to die. I'm pretty sure the weight distribution was paramount to the thing not tipping over.

We saw the polar bears in Southern California, which concerned me deeply, until I learned that the frozen tundra these bears are used to actually has a summer; basically, it's just tundra summer all year long for the polar bears, then, but really? Who wants to see summery Polar Bears?

Next up was the MONKEYS, which made me too excited and little kiddish to really write here without being embarrassed. Lots and lots and lots of monkeys in small spaces; enough to satisfy even the most discriminating of Monkey Kings. That was until I saw a boy oranguatan tag a girl one.

So, I'm standing next to this pane of glass that seperates me from this manufactured animal kingdom, and I'm watching with interest as a monkey starts making a bed with cardboard and grass RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I'm talking twelve inches of distance and th glass in between TOPS. Three little kids swarm by my side with their mothers in tow, gabbing about the monkeys, and the bed-making, etc. A bigger monkey comes ambling towards us; puts his arm around the one who has made the bed...

and I figured there would be trouble.

Now, I'm sure parenting is hard, and it is impossible to make the right decision all the time, but when one of the moms piped up, "Oh look! She must be his wife!" as the big monkey spread the legs of the other one, well, if my kids were standing there, I'd think I'd go towards the tigers to avoid the why-the-big-monkey-put-his-wiener-inside-the-other-monkey conversation on the way home. I'm sure it was a teachable moment, but watching those monkeys do it RIGHT THERE made me so uncomfortable as to laugh and not be able to stop, and I'm 27.

"Ew! Gross!" chanted the kids, as the mother watched.

"Well, it's getting a bit R-rated over here!" she chirped.

Sister, try XXX; there was NOTHING left to the imagination.

The female monkey got bored, and left as the male was still trying to pound away. Can't say that's a normal occurence nowadays, but there were times in my single life that happened to me, too.

As the kids departed, I was crying from laughing so hard, and I heard loudly and clearly from this six-year-old's mouth, "I SAW HIS WIENER!!!"

Obviously, that quote rang through the rest of the day and night.

We sat on the beach last night and drank beer and watched the sunset. I suppose for many, life doesn't get much better than this, and it didn't; but that water is a little too blue for me, and those crabs are not REAL crabs. They're temporary fixes for what is real back home, and that's okay with me.

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