a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





a spanklin test
September 14, 2003, 11:08 am

Sir Spanky, the extremely bangable and affable host of the crotch-moistness inducing SPANKLIN has seen fit to offer me five questions to answer to spice up my life (well, he asked because I asked him to, and because I promised to let him hold my pedicured feet later). If you've never read Spanklin, do yourself a favor and let your oxygen-deprived brain revel in the well-written assault. Now, let the games begin!

1) Body suit armor. Are you ready to don the protective action gear?

Since I'm known to frequent the Maryland Renaissance Festival this time of year...the answer is still no. I mean, I can flaunt around in a flowy, purty dress and tangle my gorgeous curly hair up in dried flowers, so what the hell do I want with clanky body armor?

I'm not the kind of person who hides from the hurt; I'd rather be allowed to point at a sizable axe-wound and bitch about it to anyone who'll listen.

2) Who's hot for teacher? Seriously though, you gotta know these kids are gonna be "legit" in a fairly short amount of time. I can assure you at least a couple has let their minds wander your way. Which kid do you predict will be the most bangable in seven years?

I'm not going to insult your intelligence and lay a disclaimer on this one about how true teachers never think about this stuff and blah blah blah. The truth is, I think my relationship with my students is more maternal...or at least a crazy aunt they really, really like. When I was student teaching and only four years older than the seniors I was teaching, this was an easier question.

Okay, fine, J_ was a senior and a damn cutie-pie. Right now one of my sophomores is all kinds of Italian wise-guy swagger, so he's in, too. I'm amazed at how mature some of my boys are compared to some of my guys who are my age.

Unlike some of my colleagues who think it's okay to hook up with former students at Christmas parties, I don't see myself walking that fine line on their 18th birthdays. I'd rather just buy them a beer on their respective 21sts and wish them well.

3) What does the smell of fresh cucumber make you think of?

"Hmmm...I should probably eat a salad, but this ice cream is soooo damn good." I don't have the olefactory response to a cucumber that necessarily intones "SEX." I'll save that for the visual.

4) If you ran the zoo, what would you do?

Do they sell beer at the Baltimore Zoo? No? Okay, first order of business: BEER. Lots of beer. And not concession stand priced beer, but good beer at CHEAP prices...well, maybe not GOOD beer, but get-you-drunk-enough-to-stumble-around-after-a-couple beer. Second: those moving walk-way things that you see in airports will all lead directly to the monkey house. Dave gets his own room in the monkey house, because I think that would make him happier than anything. Next: traveling mimes that imitate the animals beside their cages. And lastly: HOT ZOOKEEPERS. In tight, tight pants.

As long as I don't have to clean up after any animal, I'm fine.

5) So, you believe you have made a genuine but rare NYC spanky sighting, hmmm? Was he what you expected?

I started reading Spanky around the time I was crushing on film-boy Joe, so I always kind of pictured my NYC boy as a scruffy film elitist obsessed with Audrey Hepburn.

Then I saw him. How do I know it was him? I felt my insides contract as a ginger-haired lad with a t-shirt and a sneer beelined by me on 46th street. Rrrrrrow. I glanced at my feet to insure that my shoes and toes were adorable. I knew many women had fallen victim to Spanky's power, but I had no idea how bad I wanted to pounce on him until I saw him up close. Was he what I expected? He was too good looking to be a self-proclaimed geek.

Did I pass?

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