i used to feel good about this
May 13, 2004, 4:53 pm
Since Zak is back in town, I feel obliged to share one of our favorite MST quotes, "Thank you, anonymous voice!"
Someone signed my guestbook and urged me to stay.
Stay what? Where? In a job that every day brings me to such unexplainable highs and lows that I am alternately holding back tears in the middle of class or trying not to faint? In a room where some eleven years ago I sat and listened and drifted in and out of what was going on, kind of like I feel now, but with the added responsibility of being held accountable for what I regurgitate? In a state of panic so profound that it takes me a full twenty-three minutes to calm down but leaves my stomach a mess on the drive to and from school?
The truth is that I may be making myself sick because I just can't stand working anymore. I've been plodding through grading papers, I've been waiting too long to start rehearsals, I've been fantasizing about getting in my car and leaving for good, never to come back for my picture of Kevin Smith or my jar of dirt, or my apple bell. This place has got me down, as they say. I wish I knew where it changed for me, that the kids were enough, but when they're hitting each other and me, and when they refuse to practice or to do anything I ask, when they fail without apology and flat-out refuse to accept my help, and when I find papers with more cuss words in them and my room is a dump...I don't have the energy.
I do, however, have the energy to erase my chalkboard. That should count for something, right?