a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





i'm outbreak free!
November 30, 2005, 7:43 pm

Honestly, what is it with doctors and thinking that you have nothing better to do than GET WELL?!?!

In the past two weeks, I have missed three days of school because I have had to schedule doctor's appointments during the school day and then spend most of my time reading outdated People and staring at the clock. At my primary care physician's, I sat waiting for 45 minutes despite being 15 minutes early for my appointment. I nearly missed my next appointment with Dr. Ray, and then off for my lady-doctor visit.

And then there was the meds, and the follow-ups, and these following conversations with various doctors that I will sum up for you in a short play I like to call Thank God I Have Great Insurance:

Jessica enters. Stage left. A spotlight focuses on her. She is naked with a drape on her lap and a weird triangular dickie-thing over her head.

Enter Doctor 1. Stage right. Spotlight.

Dr. 1: Well, Jessica, we need to test you for Diabetes.

Jessica sits. Blinks. Puts her arm out to audience. Screams as "blood" is "being drawn" from her arm.

Enter Doctor 2: Stage right. Stands next to Doctor 1 and looks at clipboard.

Dr. 2: Jessica, your infection may be symptomatic of herpes.

Jessica blinks and stares at her hands.

Enter Doctor 3, shaking a bottle of pills.

Dr. 3: Jessica, you're fucking crazy, didn't you know that? Here's a bottle of meds for you to balance you out, looney tune.

All three doctors point and laugh as Jessica shuffles her feet and looks dejected.

End scene.

The verdicts?

1. I don't have diabetes (which, honestly, is a shame, because I was concocting one hell of an entry out of THAT), but I am predisposed to being pre-diabetic. I need to monitor my sugar, blah blah. Get checked again in six months.

2. I don't have the herp, but I did give Thumper a verbal lashing for it anyway, even though a) it probably wasn't his fault and b) it wasn't herpes. We were both tested early on in our relationship for all the other nasty STDs, and we're clean. I have a viral infection that is being sent to a lab for inspection; in the meantime? No sex for five days and anti-viral pills for me! Yay! I am not disappointed about not having the herp, but I am disappointed about not being able to make a ton of Valtrex jokes.

3. The crazy pills have had an opposite effect and have, in fact, made me more crazy. For example, when in the doctor's office trying to explain that I absolutely CANNOT have an appointment next week because it is my play and I CANNOT take off another day of work to go to Annapolis, I started crying. Like a big simp. In front of my lady doctor...but he's used to hormonal women, so that's okay. I start my therapy in a week, so that's exciting, eh?

Anyway, the play is next week, the kids are adorable, and I am still, STILL!, trying to pull it all together. At least the tree I decorated here is BEAUTIFUL. Not to toot my own horn, but really, it's very pretty.

Thumper has requested that I spend three nights of next week at my parents' house for reasons he will not explain. Harley let slip that preparation for my Christmas gift will be taking place then; I think it'll be a make-shift Bachelor party complete with hookers and strippers without the hassle of getting married, but we'll see.

If it's a new floor, I'll pee myself with excitement. How old am I?!?!

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