happy valentine's day to you and me
February 09, 2004, 11:44 pm
Hey! #2 today!
Happy Valentine's Day, to someone who is too good for this stinkin' holiday!
Dear J,
Girl, what is UP? Okay, so I know what you've been writing about, but how much of that is us really? I've been writing about Oscar contenders and karaoke more than anything about my play (which was awesome) or how much I can no longer stand my job. It's sad, J, how jaded I've become in this career; I love my kids, but every morning I dread getting out of bed and pretending to 210 kids I'm okay. I'm wondering if I'm using my job as a shield for something else. I'm not okay, but that's...okay.
I hate that we both feel this way, and you maybe more than I do. I'm not trying to pretend I understand or give a rah-rah speech or rally the troops, but you need to know how much joy you bring to the people who share your life in some small way. No, seriously dude, you do.
This may sound like a love letter, and it is (not in that Charlize way--did you SEE that movie?!?! DAMN!), for us both. J, I'm feeling like everything I do is insignificant and sad and I want it to be exorbitantly tragic ON PURPOSE, in ways I can't put my head around. I'm feeling that when I wake up and smile, I can pretend to be a survivor of nothing of importance; I'm telling a tremendously crafted lie, made possible by the good intentions of the people who surround me. I feel that to avoid failure, I have to avoid everything that once made me different in the first place: that I liked my job, that I cared, that I smiled and laughed when I missed a deadline because I'd make it up in some other way. Now the other ways are few and far between; I just survive and wonder when it won't be too cold to use it as an excuse for not cleaning out my car or praying for a snow day or hiding my stomach beneath another new sweater. I wonder how many times I can claim I'm just "sick" before my mom starts taking my temperature.
I'm telling you this because, on Valentine's Day, we need to love and be loved...by ourselves. We're both too good and too bad at that. So, let's. Okay?
Love, Jessi