i could probably take your mom, too
December 22, 2003, 10:15 pm

"I'm a lover, not a fighter."

I was reading The Onion's AV Club and marvelling at how many celebrities answered the above cop-out to the question "Who could you take in a fight?" And then I started wondering, Okay, who COULD I take in a fight?

I've been in maybe...two fistfights in my life. One involved me getting suckerpunched in the stomach in 6th grade because Chrissy Cugle said I wouldn't hit her back. (She was right.) The other happened when I was in 5th grade where I threw a girl named Becky into a mirror at our parents' place in Ocean City, all because she called me a "female dog" and started scratching up my arms. Oh, and there was the time in 2nd grade when I pushed down this boy Clayton for telling me that I couldn't belong to the Ghostbusters because I was a girl...but he REALLY deserved it.

Growing up where I did learned a girl about proper fighting etiquette: you stood back and watched, chanted at the appropriate times, but never got involved if you could help it. Fights in the hallways were convenient excuses for being late to class, but little else. Although my temper is quick to rise in certain situations, and I may envision a person's face being turned inside-out from the force of my fist, laying a hand on someone has never really been worth the money, the time, or expulsion.

Another memory: age 8; I am so mad at Kenny, my neighbor, that I grab a stick and begin digging a hole so large that upon cleverly concealing it with branches and leaves, he will step in it, trip, and break his ankle. I had gotten so far as to unearth a chunk of grass comparable to a golf divit when his mother shooed me home, calling my mom and telling her that I ruined the lawn.

A couple of years ago, I was at Fran O'Brien's in Annapolis when a twig of a bitch threw some gum in my half-finished margarita. I was plenty steamed and my buddy Becky was jumping over my shoulder, goading me on, but I didn't want to fight the girl. Now when I tell the story, I embellish it a bit, and I get an attitude about it, but really, I felt bad for the girl. She was obviously looking for a bit of barroom drama and attention, and that's why she did what she did.

Maybe I just let strangers walk over me.

Yaya is a champion fighter. She grapples with salesclerks, waitresses, hotel managers, basically anyone she can argue with if she is not satisfied. I'm more content to sit back and smile, even if service is lousy. I'm passive, I think, in a way that maybe I believe I'm just being polite.

So who can I take in a fight?

Definitely not KatSlater. My girl has some wicked kung-fu moves that this side of the pond ain't seen befo'. Not Dave because he'd just start tickling me and I'd fall in a heap of giggles. Not any of the beermates because I like them too much.

I think I could take Ani DeFranco (as long as she's not armed with a guitar or a million wailing fans), Britney Spears (although she may be more spry, I have bigger hips and therefore can withstand a strong breeze), Al Gore (I don't know if he'd really hit me back), and Snoop Dogg (because let's face it, me fighting Snoop? Comic Gold!)