july 4th weekend, episode two: crazy boy band ass
July 09, 2003, 7:43 pm

July 4th Weekend, Episode Two: Crazy Boy Band Ass

As is the way with whack-crazy parties, some of the best guests that show up are friends of friends of friends; such was the case with the Boy Band that deigned us worthy of their presence, as well as the New Jersey-ite Debutantes who insisted upon spending the weekend in well-oiled bikinis.

When ShoreBoy Dave showed up with some "buddies from Baltimore", a smirk rustled through the hardened veterans already pool-side. They were all early-20s frat boys, begging to show off well-toned abs and wear sunglasses in the pool. "Oh my God," whispered Sam the Farmer, "somebody is going to get crazy Boy Band Ass here in a second," he said, nodding in the direction of the NJ Size Two Princesses sleeping in the sun.

It didn't help that one of the boys sported a painfully obvious bleached platinum buzzcut which prompted Husband Brad to christen him "Sisqo" upon entrance. As Sisqo and his cronies (there were four of them in all) preened in their Hawaiian print Pacific Sun board shorts, Sam the Farmer and I tried to come up with a suitable boy band name.

"Um, Hawaiian Passion?"

"Nah, it has to incorporate Sisqo. Sisqo and the Sasquatches."

"No, that one guy shaves his chest; you can tell. Um, Sisqo and the Sirens."

"SISQO AND THE ROADRUNNERS!"

"YES!"

Sisqo and the Roadrunners sneered at our PPVB game and instead focused on playing beer pong in the middle of the dancefloor. Hummphh.

Keep in mind that everything from here on out posted in this series of entries detailing my weekend happened in a complete fall-down drunken haze.

Ryan the Funeral Director approached me surreptiously while Sisqo and the Roadrunners hit desparately on the NJ Size Two Princesses. "Sally," he whispered, "I need to talk to you."

We jaunted off to the cooler near the Pool House to discuss what would be known as the Top Secret SPYTECH 2003.

"Every year," he began, "a couple hooks up and heads down to the pier for some action. This year will be no different, but this year, this year we will have a SPY MISSION to accompany them! Imagine: right before the Big O, we shout and mess 'em up! Are you in?"

Of course I was; how could I not be? The SpyTech 2003 Team was decided to be Ryan the Funeral Director, Sam the Farmer, Husband Brad, and myself. We would be stealth in our mission; we would climb out into the bay and swim under the pier where we could watch the action undetected until the moment of truth.

The best laid plans don't always come to fruition.

The next installment will be SPYTECH 2003 . Join us, won't you?