a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





those damn kids and their damn dirty dancing
May 17, 2005, 2:15 pm

"Ladies," I said to my class after slamming the door, "don't you have any RESPECT FOR YOURSELVES?!?!"

A few titters, a few guffaws, and they abruptly ceased. They knew I wasn't kidding.

"I'm SORRY! I am FAR from a prude, and I'm not that much older than you guys, so let me tell you something! The way to dance with a guy is to actually have him look in your eyes; NOT AT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD. Last time I checked, my idea of fun had everything to do with singing silly songs with my friends and dancing and absolutely nothing to do with some guy jackhammering at the back of my DRESS for four hours."

A few chuckles. They stop quickly.

"AND GUYS! When will you learn that a girl bent over in front of you is NOT the kind of girl you actually want to date! Maybe she's fun for five, hell, maybe fifteen minutes, but if she's bending over in front of you in that fashion, I guarantee she's doing it for three other guys. Don't make yourself sick. No one likes the slut at the prom!"

Stunned silence.

"I have to say, what I saw on Saturday made my stomach turn, especially from you, Mike, and you, David, and you Shannon, and you, Laurie, and you, Heather, and you [naming all students who attended prom], because I thought you were better than how you acted. I'm not disturbed that you were being sexual, I was HIGHLY disturbed that your concept and display of sexuality wasn't just immoral but UNHEALTHY; you're setting up some very unrealistic and dangerous expectations for yourselves if you think that behavior is acceptable."

"I'm not an angel. I danced like that a lot in high school, but for a song when it was on, not the entire DAMN night during EVERY SONG that played. EVEN THE SLOW SONGS! I didn't hike my dress up over my thong and mount someone on the dance floor. I sure as hell didn't scoff when someone hinted that my dancing may be a tad inappropriate for a school setting. You're better than that...ALL OF YOU. All you did on Saturday night was prove to the Annapolitans that our school is EXACTLY what they say it is: trashy. Well freaking done."

The preceding was my speech to my third period class on Monday. I am, officially, old.

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