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are you tired of fat people?
February 02, 2004, 1:52 pm

"Are you bothered by fat people?

Do you hate when they come at you waving their flabby arms?

Can you believe the way they just waddle around?

Do you regret the amount of land that they take up?

Land we could be using to benefit the small businessperson?

If you're like me, you often ask yourself these questions but then dismiss them as being "bigoted" or "fat oppressive" ideas that you would never act upon. Well, my friend, don't suppress these questions or feelings any longer!

According to a recent study by the Scientific Community, fat people get that way because they eat pies and hamburgers with “wild abandon.” It is our civic duty to help scientists and legislators stamp out this terrible disease. Now more than ever it is important that you speak out against all those fucking fat people that block your view at the fireworks, take up two seats on the bus or crowd you at the movie theaters.

Here are some ideas about how you can fight fat people:

q If there's a fat person in the room, leave the room. Eventually, maybe they'll get the picture and have a gastric bypass so that they can be your friend again.

q At the grocery store, take things like cookies and ice cream and cheese and, well, food in general out of fat people's carts. Seriously, they could live on their fat alone for, like, decades.

q Set fire to a plus sized clothing store in your town. One little known fact is that the term "plus size" is actually another word for "demon child."

q At the restaurant, wait for fat people to order dessert and then accidentally knock their cheesecake off the table on your way to the bathroom.

q Go to a neighbor’s house under the pretense of a friendly visit and then throw away all of the food in their home. Don't forget to take their cat or they may eat that, too. Wild abandon doesn't stop at pie, people.

q If you are trying to pick up a woman at the bus stop, tell her that you like your ladies “thick like milkshakes.” Fat women are desperate for sex and will always believe anything you tell them.

Use swords."

My friend has WAY too much time on her hands at work.

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