cry
January 28, 2002, 1:49 p.m.

I'm having a problem with crying.

I've never been ashamed to let people see me cry before; hell, I even cried in front of my students a few weeks ago and didn't feel silly at all! Something has changed over the past week, maybe.

Saturday night I slipped on some stairs and smacked the top of my foot on some tile. Usually, this situation would be good for me as I could A) be a diva and get all of the attention, and b) get out of doing manual labor. I did cry, for about a minute or so, as my foot REALLY hurt and it seriously looked as though it might be broken (it's not; badly bruised, but not broken), but then I felt silly, so I stopped. As badly as it hurt I didn't want to cry again...

Now this. I'm sitting here at the computer before lunch, and I checked my inbox to see if Troy had written me an email, and he hadn't (three days worth of rejection) so I had to fill the time by reading all of the email that he had sent me at the beginning of our "courtship" and I just started crying.

Those emails are so full of unsaid promises and minor expectations: little things like, "Maybe this weekend we could" or "I was thinking on Valentine's Day"...is it any wonder I was hoping it would last longer than two weeks? I suppose all relationships have hopeful beginnings...what would be the point otherwise?

Maybe I was silly for thinking that one day my hopeful beginning would flourish into something a little more substantial, but doesn't everyone complain that relationships always fall into some kind of rut? EVERYONE goes bungee jumping and parasailing the first few weekends together; pretty soon it's Blockbuster and corn chips like every other couple. What happens if you never make it past the initial jump? Should I be sad if my relationship never turned sour? (Except for the part where he dumped me?)

I'm rambling, aren't I?

Anyway, back to not crying in front of people, I was sitting here, and Josh came in to get me for lunch, and I was upset.

Josh: What's wrong?

Me: *sniffle* *wiping eyes with hands* Nothing.

Josh: Jess, what's wrong?

Me: *lip trembling, sniffle* Um...no.

Josh: Go ahead...

Two words. I let it out. I felt much, much better.