January 28, 2002, 1:49 p.m.
I'm having a problem with crying.
I've never been ashamed to let people see me cry before; hell, I even cried in front of my students a few weeks ago and didn't feel silly at all! Something has changed over the past week, maybe.
Saturday night I slipped on some stairs and smacked the top of my foot on some tile. Usually, this situation would be good for me as I could A) be a diva and get all of the attention, and b) get out of doing manual labor. I did cry, for about a minute or so, as my foot REALLY hurt and it seriously looked as though it might be broken (it's not; badly bruised, but not broken), but then I felt silly, so I stopped. As badly as it hurt I didn't want to cry again...
Now this. I'm sitting here at the computer before lunch, and I checked my inbox to see if Troy had written me an email, and he hadn't (three days worth of rejection) so I had to fill the time by reading all of the email that he had sent me at the beginning of our "courtship" and I just started crying.
Those emails are so full of unsaid promises and minor expectations: little things like, "Maybe this weekend we could" or "I was thinking on Valentine's Day"...is it any wonder I was hoping it would last longer than two weeks? I suppose all relationships have hopeful beginnings...what would be the point otherwise?
Maybe I was silly for thinking that one day my hopeful beginning would flourish into something a little more substantial, but doesn't everyone complain that relationships always fall into some kind of rut? EVERYONE goes bungee jumping and parasailing the first few weekends together; pretty soon it's Blockbuster and corn chips like every other couple. What happens if you never make it past the initial jump? Should I be sad if my relationship never turned sour? (Except for the part where he dumped me?)
I'm rambling, aren't I?
Anyway, back to not crying in front of people, I was sitting here, and Josh came in to get me for lunch, and I was upset.
Josh: What's wrong?
Me: *sniffle* *wiping eyes with hands* Nothing.
Josh: Jess, what's wrong?
Me: *lip trembling, sniffle* Um...no.
Josh: Go ahead...
Two words. I let it out. I felt much, much better.