it is what it is
January 12, 2005, 2:05 pm

The boy, Thumper, wanted to know what we were going to do on our long weekend together and asked for me to brainstorm some ideas. Oh, poor boy, he has no idea what he started.

Dear Mr. O'Malley:

Thank you for your interest in Awesome Adventure Weekend 2005. Our company is devoted to providing our clients with the very best in weekend experiences down to the last detail. We hope you will find your experience satisfactory.

Below is a list of ideas for your Awesome Adventure Weekend that has been suggested by our top fun-experts. Some ideas may not be amenable or conceivable at this present time; please retain this list in your files for future use when the event may be more appropriate or accessible. If desired, several elements may be grouped together to create a "theme weekend"; "theme weekends" have proven to be very popular among our mid-20s female clientele.

We have also grouped these things together by total cost. Quotes are available by request or by doing all the research yourself on the internet.

Events (no cost):
-reading (preferrably in bed with coffee and/or hot chocolate)
-helping your companion grade papers (preferrably in bed with coffee and/or hot chocolate)
-ping pong tournament
-getting organized by cleaning office and bedroom closet (help at no cost!)
-video game contest
-vaccuuming for kisses
-window shopping at mall for ridiculously priced shoes and/or outfits (and not buying anything)
-cutting snowflakes to decorate windows/refrigerator with
-scrapbooking and/or computer geek-out session (in seperate rooms, of course)
-writing and performing two-person one-act about romance and/or the human condition

Events (minimum to medium cost; cost dependent upon travel plans, too):
-movie rental marathon
-movie theatre double-dip (two movies; one theatre)
-chocolate chip and banana pancake creation for breakfast
-ice skating either downtown GB or the Inner Harbor, Baltimore
-walking around downtown Annapolis, Baltimore, or D.C. (with lunch)
-karaoke bar singing (**alcohol alert**)
-Create-A-Pot Pottery!
-day trip to Boonsboro, MD to see the monument and walk the Appalachian Trail
-Big Lebowski date--bowling and white russians
-International Spy Museum ($14/person) and/or visit to Smithsonian museums (Smithsonians are free!)
-day trip to Ocean City, MD boardwalk
-painting office and basement pretty colors (the help is free!)
-National Aquarium in Baltimore, MD Science Center IMAX
-Baltimore Symphony orchestra and/or Opera tickets

Events (medium to ridiculous cost...a.k.a. it's nice to dream, isn't it?)
-whirlwind visit to Atlantic City to pay respects to dwindling gambling industry
-New York City dinner date complete with Broadway show (!)
-Las Vegas visit on red-eye, heavy on the alcohol and debauchery and gambling
-last minute mini-cruise through Bahamas
-day of relaxation and beauty at whimsical day spa; massages, pedicures, manicures, whatever guy stuff happens at a day spa
-playoff football tickets

If you do not find any of these weekend plans attractive, may we suggest dinner downtown Annapolis coupled with mind-blowing sex?

Again, Mr. O'Malley, we realize you have choice in planning your weekend, and we thank you for choosing our company to help you have an Awesome Adventure all day, every day. Thank you for your business. We look forward to hearing from you or your representative at any point during the day.

Sincerely,

Jessica L. Biensoul
President and Executive-In-Charge-Of-Everyone,
I'm-Fucking-Awesome Enterprises

Yeah, his response was adorable, to say the least.

I'm making myself sick.