i am not my lefty's keeper
December 19, 2004, 9:57 am

When playing bartender at the family Christmas party, always adhere to this rule of thumb: don't start drinking until you've been relieved of your bartending duties. Seriously. You don't want to a) slosh the case of wine that has been purchased for the occasion all over the floor, b) knock someone's drink over, and c) give the impression that the eldest of three fine, upstanding sisters is a sloppy, sloppy drunk.

Yes, the Biensoul Family Christmas Party was a rousing success; Lefty slept in his car for three hours, Blulinepaper ate, and a few of the old people from my senior citizens' writing class showed up, demanding shots of rum from the bar. I made small-talk with everyone and turned on the charm for the old family friends, somehow ended up behind the bar and quickly proved that not only am I a really shitty bartender, but the "one for you, two for me" rule isn't necessarily the best practice when dealing with festive rum-n-cokes. Two in the morning found me stumbling up the stairs, forgetting to take the trash out, and passing out at the foot of my bed while the party (and the old people) raged on downstairs. There were no holes in the walls, this time.

Last night Brucey Bruce and his pregnant wife had a school get-together at their new house, and when I showed I heard about fifty variances on the same question: "Hey Jess, where's Lefty?"

"Jess, didn't you bring Lefty?"
"What time is Lefty getting here?"
"Jess, call Lefty right now. He's coming, right?"
"Hey Jess! Did you talk to Lefty? He said he was coming."
"Lefty should be here by now, right Jess?"
"Hey Jess, what's Lefty's phone number?"
"Lefty is missing out, huh Jess?"
"You going over to his house later? Ask him why he isn't here?"
"You think he's drunk somewhere else? Call him, Jess."
"Where's your boy?"
"Man, it's weird seeing you without Lefty! Where is he?"

I am not Lefty's girlfriend, but apparently I've been promoted to his keeper.

He didn't show up, and I was disappointed, but the rest of us had a blast. I hung around with the football coaches and watched the games yesterday.

Pray for the Ravens, please. Johnny U: We Will Never Forget.