pity party? party of one? right this way, please
July 24, 2003, 10:10 pm

Good morning, class! Today's lesson is on HOW NOT TO BALANCE YOUR CHECK BOOK (well, checking account, because it's not like you ever actually look at your check book or know where it is since you got that check card a year ago)!

Let's all look at the transparency on the overhead for the steps!

1. Go to some ridiculously expensive area for a conference with a negative balance in your checking account.

2. Spend money on food that is ridiculously expensive (but it's not like you can help it; it's D1sney, after all).

3. Forget that your bank charges you $30.00 every time you charge over your balance.

4. Conveniently allow the charges to go through the DAY BEFORE your paycheck is deposited in your checking account, creating ANOTHER negative balance.

5. Also conveniently forget that the negative balance does not include the $240.00 in overdraft charges that your bank has zapped from your checking account due to aforementioned food buying for four days on a negative balance.

6. Realize that car payment is deducted next week.

7. Quickly add up the fact that for next week's trip to Las Vegas, you will be hauling a grand total of $49.17 to Sin City.

8. Log into bank account on computer. Stare. Begin to cry.

And there you have it! A no-win situation!

I hate money. No really, I HATE money. I hate that I'm great at spending it without thinking of the consequences of being stupid with it. I seriously need to grow up in a hurry.

Or win a fuckload of money in Vegas. Seriously, if I don't win money in Vegas, I'm screwed.

I foresee me selling my body on the strip in the very near future.

Which reminds me of the dream I had last night: whenever you find yourself in the middle of an epic battle with the henchman of an evil genius who wants to kill you and/or steal some valuable antique, offer up your body. In the middle of the sexin', grab the nearest vase or lamp and knock him out cold! (Well, at least it worked in my dream. It has to be infallible then!)

So there, now you've learned two things: how not to manage your money and how to foil a henchman of someone's evil army.

Don't tell me that I'm not a fabulous teacher.