my sister, the sex toy lady
July 25, 2003, 12:29 pm

My sister is going to be a sex toy lady.

"No, wait, Jess, look at this!" she says, dumping an entire capful of pink powder on my left arm, "Now, lick your arm."

"NO!" I taste it anyway. Chocolate Raspberry. Very classy.

My sister wants to be a sex therapist. She going to be very good. Very, very good.

But to finance her sex therapy education, she's going to sell sex toys.

"Do you approve of this?" I asked my mom, as she entered Christina's room to see what I was screaming about.

"No," says my mom, "She has to pay $500 up front to buy all this crap."

"Here," Christina is now coating my right arm with something that smells suspiciously like cherry tylenol, "lick your arm."

"I don't want to lick my arm, Chris."

"Okay, just taste it."

I do. It is disgusting. I make the international signal for vomit. Mom rolls her eyes.

Christina emerges from her bathroom with a small white jar. "Oh my God," she says, "this is the best stuff, I swear. It's called Nympho Niagra, and oh my God, it really works!"

I look at my mom, who is rolling her eyes again, but smiling. "Chris," I plead, "Do you have to talk about this in front of Mom?!?!"

I am freaked out. I'm not that much of a prude, but the last thing I want to talk about in front of my mom is Nympho Niagra. Christina doesn't mind though, and spreads some red jelly stuff on my lips. "Here, this is booby gel!"

"Then why the hell are you putting it on my lips?!?!"

"You can. It doubles as lip gloss," she smiles, and my lips feel like they're on fire.

Christina told my mom flat out when she started having sex. They went to the doctor's office, she was put on birth control, and it was no big deal. Christina keeps sex manuals and porn tapes around her room and writes papers on them. She asks my parents point blank about their sex lives. She doesn't mind it if they answer.

I cannot stomach it. I have never admitted to my parents as so much as kissing a boy, let alone having sex with one. I'm not this much of a prude, but I think my secrecy about it has made me more paranoid as I grow older. Christina is none of these things, and she's a great person. She's just the youngest, I think, and afforded more luxuries in the shock department.

She's going to help people, and that's fantastic.

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Off to Pittsburgh for a wedding this weekend; I'll touch base before I head off for Vegas! :)