california, the rebuttal entry
August 31, 2004, 10:10 pm

Since school has started and I just dropped a box of file folders on my left foot, bisecting it in a black line of blood (gross), you get this hilarious e-mail courtesy of MFlana2. I've been writing on this site for two-plus years now, and no other entry has incensed the masses as much as this one, and for that, I don't apologize. Enjoy California, darlings, you can have it.

Hello.

While surfing the web, I noticed a diaryland entry

dated August 17th of this year that had some PRETTY

BAD THINGS to say about the great state of California.

I am writing this to set the record straight, and

would appreciate it if this rebuttle finds its way to

the people who's opinions of my great state have been

soiled by your experience.

1) "California, I discovered, is a wishy-washy pussy

playland of avocado sprouts and teal water, of fake

crabmeat and uninspiring sports teams. Oh yeah, the

brown mountains are crap, too." Oh yeah? Well....

Terapins suck!

2) "Just as I predicted, the fact was only fiction

here..." Fiction is our most profitable export.

3) "Where are your neurotic people, your blue-collar

workers, your semblances of Americana?" They're

aplenty. You were in NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, which is

very different from SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. Here in Los

Angeles, Neuroses are so common that they're expected,

the blue-collar workers are predominantly mexican, and

the semblances of Americana range from historic

century-old skyscrapers to the nastalgia of Dodger

Stadium. You were in what we call "Gay Land".

4) Sample thoughts from an average Californian:

"Dondes esta mi familia? Y mi dinero?! Ay de mi!

Yo tengo un firearm!"

5) "They don't make that shit here. It's against the

law, or something. I went to four places; none of

them had BACON or SAUSAGE at ALL." Ah, but you went

to the wrong places. Here in Glendale, CA, bacon and

sausage are plentiful and easily caught. In fact,

they're polite enough at the Outback Steakhouses to

ask you if you want bacon on your cheese fries, which

is normally served everywhere in the world with bacon

- no questions asked. Here they ask you. Not because

most people don't eat bacon for some reason, but

because they want to single you out as someone who

does. There are healthy alternatives to bacon and

sausage, most notably made from a delightfully

flexible and bio-degradable substance called Tofu.

Tofacon and Tausage and very popular with the kids.

6) "There's a lot of projection going on there, and I

don't mean in the movie theaters." Shows what you

know. Projection happens in movie theaters ALL THE

TIME. You should have known that.

7) "There is no smoking in bars in San Francisco.

What the hell are you supposed to do then? Have a

conversation?" You can either make marriage

arrangements or skip right to the fellatio. Or just

drink a shot everytime you WOULD have smoked a

cigarette.

8) "What is up with your weather? Why is it nice all

the time? Where is the humidity? Why can't you have

SEASONS, for Christ's sakes?!?" We do have seasons.

There's Earthquake season, Fire Season, Rainy Season

(about two weeks, puts an abrupt end to fire season),

and Killer Lizard Season.

9) "they have palm trees in their backyard. Correct

me if I'm wrong, but I imagine that the real oak tree

in my backyard is better for climbing." Ah ha - but

palm trees are much safer for the kids. You can't

fall out of what you can't climb. And who wants

stupid kids anyway? They'll just get killed by the

Lizards.

So THERE! Hope that sets the record straight.

Mike

Hmmm...that reminds me...I can't BELIEVE I forgot to make fun of your Governor. D'oh!

BTW: School is fine. I like it this year. Of course, it's only the second day, but whatever. You should be proud I didn't correct any of Mike's grammatical errors in this post; most of the time I can't be bothered to correct my own, so whatever.

If you started reading for a JournalCon entry, expect one when I'm not as sleepy.