the one i found on valentine's day
February 13, 2007, 8:47 pm

This time last year I was forcing myself to look at the bright side: yes, I did say I liked tulips, and they were lovely, but the card didn't accompany it saying everything I needed to hear. I got a phone call, maybe two, and I was depending on dinner when I realized it wasn't happening. Someone else was there...the list went on. Something off, and the panic set in. It was like that in my chest for months and months; trying to fit my square heart in a round hole or ideal or whatever.

This year, my colleagues are grilling Bob the Builder about our plans, about the hearts decorating his desk, and about our weekend together, and the smile is not vanishing: HERE IS A MAN THAT LOVES ME, that worships the ground I walk on, who does everything I've always wanted someone to do without being prompted or imagined or just pure fashioned out of my consciousness to be something he's not.

It is scary to think I would have settled, but the world had better plans for me.

Thumper is a great guy; he just wasn't for me. The sooner I realized it, the better off I was; is there a reason for everything? I certainly think so. If Valentine's Day has taught me anything, is that it's a good way to evaluate the state of your heart, and it often reveals more than you're willing to admit to others, let alone yourself. My favorite was when Jenny, Dave, and my sister played cards and got a little tipsy; my least favorite were the ones where I had built them up to be so much where there was no substance to begin with.

I know, that no matter what, I will never be let down by Bob. It has nothing to do with the items, and everything to do with what my heart is telling me: he is it.