a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





why my weekend kicked your weekend's ass
October 22, 2002, 5:23 pm

I want to remember everything just as it happened: the weekend of Oct. 18-20, 2002. I want to run and scream and jump around like a wiggly puppy. I want to touch my bum and smile because it was all so sweet, so drunk, and so damn good.

*cue Law & Order segway theme*


I shook my booty all night long with the undoubtedly HOTTEST teacher at my school. Ummhhmmm. The cute math teacher. Yep, that's the one.

I've said it before, but it deserves repeating. When on the dance floor, I feel as though I have a social responsibility to all the fat girls present and stuck at home eating Ben & Jerry's to shake my groove thang at hot clubs.

But biensoul, you may whine, Why do you feel as though you have any responsibility to shake your gut and gluts around? I'm a DAMN good dancer; no, seriously, I'd tell you if I wasn't. I'm a terrific dancer, and when I go out and have a blast and take people by surprise, well then I've won back a little respect for the fat chicks that Anna Nicole has taken away.

Not only did I win over the audience of several hundred rowdy African-Americans, I also stole the dancing feet of one Mr. Hot Math Teacher, who, in the throes of perculating, proclaimed, "Girl, you're my dancing partner for ALL TIME! Seriously, you're the best dancer I've ever danced with!" Mhmm. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, skinny chicks!


Because I hadn't done it in, oh, about 6 months, I went to Neffy Xene's for our requisite Arbor-Mist-Rummikub-Newport-Lights-dish-about-work extravaganza. Neff and I have been pals since high school, and she procured me a grad school job filing papers at the company where she was the office manager. When I worked at the Petting Zoo (stuffed animal company, not the actual "petting zoo") we'd do our Saturday afternoon thing at her tiny house in Catonsville. She doesn't work there anymore, which is very disappointing, because it just proves that there is NO such thing as loyalty in business. I'm glad I'm not a part of the business world.

After some cheap wine and conversation and a bitching game of 20th anniversary Trivial Pursuit, I got gussied up for Emily's 30th birthday party at her sister Bethany's. According to field reports, a lot of teacher-types would be present, including the current cutie of my idolatry, the CUTE NEW ENGLISH TEACHER. Cute New English Teacher (CNET) and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, grading papers after hours and whatnot. Furthermore, I've had a raging crush on him since the beginning of the year when I dropped an obscure SNL reference the first time I met him and he was all over it like white on rice. He came with two of his equally cute buddies, and my interest was piqued when the conversation went like this:

CNET Buddy 1: Jessi, man, CNET has been talking about you the whole way here. He kept telling us how excited he was that we'd finally meet you.

Me: (trying not to look like my heart just quadrupled its speed) Oh, really? He flatters me. I hope I'm not letting you down!

CNET Buddy 1: Oh no, you rawk.

CNET Buddy 2: (under his breath) I think something is going to happen between you two.

Me: (heart nearly exploding in chest; pretending that I didn't hear so I could hear him say it again) What was that?

CNET Buddy 2: Nothing.

CNET Buddy 1: (tipsy) He said he thinks something is going to happen! (hiccup)

Me: (breathing heavily)

End scene.

Okay, so I was President when we played Asshole, got drunk, and passed out while watching "The Cutting Edge." For more information, consult here.



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