we are not on a "break"...just so you know
March 29, 2006, 8:25 am

When all the cheesy songs about heartbreak hit the radio in the doctor's office, that's when it starts to get to me. It starts with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and then travels to my chest, where I have spent too many nights heaving and crying and wishing...well, that I was okay.

I'm three days into my self-imposed exile from Casa de Thumper, and I feel better than I have since I started this experiment (or "exposure" if you will). I realized that I'm not looking for a ring, just the security that he wants to work it out, that he actually wants to be with me and is not just idly sitting by me on the couch because I'm there. I don't want him to chase after me, but just say, "I miss you. I need you. I want to make this okay."

Not that there was anything wrong in the first place; really, what was wrong? We're in two different places and I've spent the better part of a year waiting for the other shoe to drop, when he says, "Um, I told you I didn't want a relationship, and I meant it. Goodbye."

Monday. I'll know one way or the other. Either he says, "Honey, God, I missed you. My life is better with you in it." Or he says, "It was great without you. Goodbye."

I am terrified beyond belief. I think that's why I started this, though; because I was too dependent and I was too wrapped up in "us" vs. "me" and now I'm getting part of ME back. I can't let that happen again.

I'm babbling, aren't I?

I am so lucky to have Fiestada and Agent Megan and their respective couches. To make matters worse, my Tiffany's bracelet broke yesterday, which, if you believe in signs, sucks.

Don't worry; it'll be fine. We both deserve it.