a required taste for the pretentious as all get out





week three
September 26, 2004, 8:27 am

The benefits of having explosive diarrhea are few and far between, but having it as an excuse to ditch an event in order to spend some quality time with a nice boy really overshadows the unpleasant and uncomfortable illness itself.

It's official. I'm swooning. Any boy that is going to take me to fucking ROY ROGERS because I start squealing, "OH MY GOD! ROY ROGERS! I Love Roy Rogers!" is tops in my book. I had no idea they still had any left in the world. (He was a bit taken aback that I begged off the "nice" dinner, but he loves Roys too, so it worked out okay.) Any boy who would also insist upon getting liqoured up while watching Raising Arizona is also excellent.

Yeah, I'm smitten. This sucks. He's a Redskins fan, which may be his only flaw. With that, on to football: (my picks, they are, how you say?, in BOLD; the actual winner is in ITALICS)

Last week, the teams I picked played as well as my sister's three-year old godson with CP (with the exception of my beloved Ravens, who did okay), obliterating my record to an extremely crappy 18-15 on the season. Not encouraging, so if you're using my picks as a guide for your own pool, well, sorry you're out $20.

Week Three: September 26th

1. Cardinals at Atlanta: If a Quarterback is rushing for more yards per game than Jamal Lewis, that's special indeed. Michael Vick has enough confidence now to steamroll the Cards; if they don't, I'm fucked in my Survival Football pool.

2. Ravens at Cincy: Let's see, my future husband sucks as a quarterback, my OTHER future husband is out with an ankle injury and with him went our offensive threat, Double TT is rocking a bad quad, and we have the same fucking record as the Bengals? Without Deion's lame-ass pony tricks and subsequent penalties, we may actually go three plays with no loss of yards on yellow flags. Step it up, boys. Also, why we gotta play all of our division games the first three games of the season? What the crap?

3. Da Bears at Vikings: Dante, wtf? Monday Night Football?!?! Puhleese.

4. Browns at Giants: The Browns need a push, and the Giants lackluster offense and gappy defense might give them that push.

5. Houston at Chiefs: Dammit, KC! What the hell? I pick you for everything, and you LOSE? You're 0-2 on the season? If you don't win today, you'll be pissed enough to take on Ray-Ray during Monday Night Football; can't have that. Win today; lose next week. I'll be there to boo at you.

6. Jaguars at Titans: The surprising Jaguars have their first real test today; Tennessee will ring the bell for the school. It won't be pretty.

7. Saints at Rams: The Saints without Deuce...*sigh* That's a shame. Don't count them out completely, though. You may be surprised how well they can hang with the win-at-home-all-the-time Rams. This may be close today.

8. Eagles at Lions: I heart you, Lions, but I'm afraid you're suffering your first loss on the season today.

9. Steelers at Miami: It pains me to type this.

10. Chargers at Broncos

11. Green Bay at Indianapolis: This game is everyone's wet dream, quarterback-wise. While Favre is brilliant (despite a few interceptions last week), I'm afraid the Colts have the arsenal of awesome in both the offense and their defense.

12. 49ers at Seattle: Does it bother anyone else that I flip between city and mascot names? No? Good.

13. Bucs at Raiders: Jon Gruden vs. the Ghost of Jon Gruden's team. Hmmmmm.

14. Washington at Dallas: "See what you get for picking the Redskins, Jessica?" --my dad, looking over my shitty picks from last week. I've learned my lesson, Pop. Last week: 7-9. This week: 7-5. On the season: 25-20.

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