july 4th weekend, episode five: as if you needed proof that i'm the life of the party
July 12, 2003, 11:52 am
The weekend of July 4th had turned out to be a nonstop hilarity fest of drunken antics. Although my Inebriation Olympiad team bailed on me, I lifted my spirits by drinking lots and lots of beer from the Natty Cup and participated in the Keg Rodeo. There's nothing quite like trying to hoist oneself on a keg floating in a pool to the sound of all one's drunk buddies goading one on, is there? My top time for Keg Rodeo was probably 4 seconds, but I didn't let that deter me from heckling everyone else who tried.
By Saturday night, there were two kegs floating in the pool and one almost about to be thrown in. To kick the last keg, we opted for a Keg Stand O'Rama. To avoid repeating my former keg stand experience, I insured that my handlers were trustworthy and ready as I kicked my way on up. The icy brew coated my throat for a good 26 seconds before I called it quits.
The next few stands decreased in time, until I remembered I had an upchuck appointment with the grass, and I threw up a little behind the pool house. I wasn't too embarrassed because a) it wasn't a severe vomit, but just enough to get rid of the top layer of acid in my stomach to afford me the opportunity to keep the party going, b) I had been drinking heavily for 30 hours, so allowances had to be made, and c) no one really saw me.
Staggering around, I noticed that the wives had evacuated the premises once more, so it was up to me to continue the Shore Boy party on my own for all womankind. For some reason, my ruminations reminded me I had pressing business in the restroom, so I went.
The bathroom in the pool house is roughly the size of a closet. On one side there is a toilet and a sink, a shelf that houses a multitude of beach towels, and a mirror. The other side of the room boasts the pool filtration system: a complicated web of PVC pipes and large, scary whirring tubes. I had been using the bathroom quite a bit in the two days, so I was familiar with its layout. Sitting down, I reflected on the day that had passed and what a good time I was having.
I don't know what exactly propelled me forward. I may have seen something that required a closer view, or maybe I wanted to read the label on the pipe. It was probably neither of these things and just the fact that my equilibrium was floating in a vat of alcohol and I pitched completely forward, ass over head.
The good news was that a PVC pipe on the floor stopped me from hitting my head on the pool cleaning system. The bad news was that the only thing that hit the PVC pipe on the floor was my nose. A deafening crack jolted me into reality. I remember thinking, HOLY SHIT, did I really just fall completely forward? Then, the blood came.
My face and my bathing suit were quickly covered in the blood from my nose. My nose felt jammed, as I'm sure some people have felt when actually hitting their noses on something else before. Tipping over, I stood up to look in the mirror and gasped.
I don't have a big nose; actually, my nose is quite cute. Not exactly narrow, but it isn't wide, either. The nose that was attached to my face had no sides: it completely blended into my cheeks. The blood was pretty gross, too.
Panic set in as I discovered that when I touched my nose, I couldn't feel it. My head hurt, a lot, and I was dazed. I cleaned the blood off my face and my bathing suit in the sink, and then did the only thing I could think to do under the circumstances: run screaming from the bathroom.
Ryan the Funeral Director answered my screams by looking at my nose and saying, "Holy SHIT, Sally, you just your nose!" I was immediately presented with loads of ice to keep on my swelling sniffer. I vaguely remember saying over and over in a wailing, whiny voice, "I BROKE MY FUCKING NOSE; OH MY GOD, I BROKE MY FUCKING NOSE!"
The only thing a doctor can tell you when you break your nose is, "Yup. It's broken." The alignment was fine, just a tiny crack, but enough to fuck up my evening. I was treated to more ice, Advil, and another beer for my trouble.
The next morning I woke up with two slight black eyes and a swollen black and blue lump in the space where the nose starts and the eyebrows end. I noticed that I couldn't feel my top jaw in the front, either, and that was pretty weird. It has taken a week to almost get feeling back in my mouth. I'm lucky I didn't bang out my teeth.
My nose will be fine; in fact, most people haven't even noticed that my nose is broken because it has been healing well rather quickly. All that is evident now is a small bump and a slightly crooked profile, not to mention an onslaught of bloody nose goblins, but that's disgusting. You can thank me for sharing later.
Yes, I sacrificed myself to the Party Gods in the form of breaking an important body part; hooray!
Thus ends my recounting of my 4th of July. Did you read the rest of the entries? Get the rules for Pitcher Patrol Volleyball HERE!
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Whenever there's trouble, we're there on the double...well, we're not the Bloodhound Gang, but we did get muddy.
Inebriation Olympiad 2003: come for the beer, stay for the cup!