if you thought i was hot before, kapow!
August 07, 2003, 10:24 am

Yesterday started out innocently enough.

I got the email from bunny, posted it, and then went to the chiropractor.Dr. Ray said, "Looking good, kiddo. See you next month." (Alas, no tawdry tales of hot chiropractor sex for today.) I set off for the mall in search of a wedding gift for my friends who are tying the knot this weekend. (Yep, another Pittsburgh wedding. I'll try to keep my dress on this time.)

Let's just say the fact that I was paid yesterday did not escape my notice.

FIRST, I headed to Hecht's for a present, and finding nothing interesting enough to scream, "HEY! JESSI GAVE US THIS GIFT!" I opted for these awesome crazy martini glasses. I wasn't just satisfied with the glasses, so I trekked over to Border's and bought them the Bartender's Bible. And they needed a card, so I bought that at Border's, too.

AND what the hell, I needed a new dress to wear to the wedding, right? I had worn and ruined my awesome wedding-attendance dress to the other wedding, and I didn't want to repeat, so I needed something new. I had already bought this hot skirt at Lane Bryant (black with tiny red rosebuds with this Spanish ruffle thingy, very hot), so I wanted to see if I could find the top. I did, and it was $10 and it is HOT, so that was taken care of...

AND since I got such a GREAT deal on the top, I thought I might as well get a new necklace and matching bracelet because they were on sale to match the outfit, right? So I did.

AND since I saved so much money and my outfit was fucking hot, I might as well just go SEE if there were any shoes that would go with the new outfit that complete the look. Lucky Baker's had all Steve Maddens on sale, and DAMN, there were these ultra-high-strappy-sandals-that-I-would-never-wear-in-a-million-years-to-school-but-my-wedding-outfit-is-super-hot-and-they're-the-most-awesome-slut-shoes-ever-and-they're-only-$20, so I bought them. Not to mention all of their BAGS were on sale, too. (Regular $30-$40 bags marked down to $12.99 and then 20% off, so how could I refuse THAT?) I looked for a bag that matched my outfit, but there was this fabulous silver one that was so Samantha Jones that I had to have it, so I bought it.

With this hot outfit and all my purchases, I thought, Well, I DO need a haircut, so I ambled over to the salon where the waxing took place, and found dearest Samantha, the chick that put my highlights in before, working.

"Look Samantha," I said, "the last few times I've had my haircut, these nice old ladies are giving me 'long layers' that reek of Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting. Not that there's anything wrong with Elisabeth Shue, but I'm tired of looking like a softball third-basement with this shag, okay?"

First we decided that I couldn't do anything else first but get funky red highlights. Okay, I decided that, so I did. Then, I thought my eyebrows were looking a bit thick, so I had them waxed. THEN, Samantha started clipping. And drying. And then styled up.

HOLY SHIT.

You know those horrible, obnoxious commercials where the woman has a "totally organic experience" and does a Sally wherever she is? Okay, I'm never making fun of those commercials again. My underwear was so wet after I looked at my hair that I had to go straight home and wring it out.

Not only is my hair EXACTLY the cut I wanted, but I look like the coolest goddamn ROCKSTAR EVER. I couldn't praise Samantha enough for her superior work. Lookee here: Revel in my multi-colored goodness!

Heh. I'm silly.

I say GODDAMN, that's a SEXY haircut! Note the choppiness and the full-bodied flava!

The owner of the salon started piling Paul Mitchell products in a bag, and ringing them up while Samantha took a smoke break. "We just ring them all up at once to give you the discount," she explained. In my orgasm-induced haze, this made sense.

"Oh," I stammered, "I want that stuff that makes my hair shiny." Done. In the bag.

"Okay," the owner says with an entirely straight face, "your total is $218.47."

EXCUSE ME!??!? $218.47?!?!? I have NEVER paid more than $20 for a haircut because I mostly go to the Hair Cuttery.

I suddenly couldn't talk, so I just pointed with a shaky finger to the receipt. "OH!" she exclaimed, "TIP!"

Great. $248.47.

"20% discount?" I rasped, "15% discount? $5.00 coupon?" (I was entitled to all these things.)

"Yup, they're all included."

I knew the haircut was going to be pricey. I knew the color was pricey. I was willing to pay for it because it looks so nice. But $248 smackers? DAMN!

I limped home, a bargain shopper defeated, but not so defeated that I couldn't admire my fucking HOT hair. I got home and called the boys to go out for a drink in Reisterstown.

Driving up to Baltimore, I realized, THAT BITCH GAVE ME A WHOLE BAG OF SHIT I DIDN'T WANT TO BUY! An entire bag of Paul Mitchell products that were undoubtedly $30-$40 a pop, when I only wanted one bottle of hair cream. The owner is very, very sneaky indeed. She used me! She used me!

At least I have the greatest hair on the planet. Otherwise, I'd be really upset.