National Champions!

That's right, my sister's college softball team won their National Championship! My sister is an All-American! Yay Christina!

Anyhoo, Preakness yesterday.

There are only so many times that a person can say that they spent a Saturday from 7:30am until 8:00pm in the freezing cold, layered in college apparel, caked in mud, trying to keep people off a rain-soaked tarp while constantly double-fisting two beers, riding and getting into an accident on a hippie bus, running into college friends that had escaped any recognition years ago and chugging alcohol concoctions out of souvenir glasses in one's lifetime. (Even I am astounded by how grammatically horrendous that sentence is as I stare at it now.) To say that yesterday will go down in the pantheon of Great Biensoul Hazy Memories is a dramatic understatement; I feel a show-and-tell picture show coming on. I will now relay the day's events in the oh-so-clever 1st-person-sans-pronouns narration that's sweeping the nation:

5:45am: Heard alarm; hit snooze button.

6:03am: Bolted out of bed; scoffed at shower to put beer in cooler. Dressed appropriately in funny t-shirt, visor, black Dickies, and crap sneaks.

6:16am: Josh arrived. Finished emptying 60 beers in cooler. In shocking turn of events, plead girliness and made Josh carry cooler.

6:43am: Headed to Becky's for Baltimore Beer Bash Breakfast; needed to stop at Aamoco for In-field tickets.

7:17am: Stopped at 2nd Aamoco (no tickets).

7:32am: Stopped at 4th Aamoco (no tickets). Decide to swallow the extra five bucks (not without cursing) to buy at door.

7:47am: Arrive at Becky's. First alcoholic beverage of day: loaded Mimosa with strawberry french toast, bangin' blueberry muffins, and beer.

8:02am: Off to Hy's for bus boarding pass (Hy: 33 year teaching veteran; millionaire through a plant company; owns a vintage Grateful Dead bus that is renovated school bus, painted black with pictures and collaged ceiling, respendent with flannel couches, and site of last year's drinking/puking debacle that involved spewing seven hours worth of alcohol out of my stomach from the emergency exit...) in Reisterstown.

8:14am: Arrive at Hy's; greeted by swarm of teachers in various states of party gear and layered clothes (temperature roughly 46 degrees; conditions: soggy).

8:32am: "Oblivion" (bus' name) departs, leaving a cloud of exhaust and a trail of stunned thugs in its wake; start beers number 1, 2, and 3.

8:59am: Arrive at Pimlico Racetrack, to sounds of thunderous applause and many stares. Finish beer 4 en route to entrance.

9:02am: Drop $40 on infield ticket.

9:07am: Get pushed (literally) through line by errant cooler held by frat boy behind me.

9:12am: Get crackin' on beer 5; set up camp (camp consisted of a tarp and a ring of coolers in the mud). Decide to put on another shirt (it's fucking freezing). Josh breaks out Pringles.

10:10am: First race starts. Notice that there are, indeed, horses at track and not merely a myth to give masses an excuse to drink. Pringles have fallen in mud, giving them surprising zesty if a bit watery flavor. Break the seal in an as yet not full and not too bad port-a-john.

10:11am: Buy first Black-eyed Susan (signature drink of the race); gawk at price and taste until on third sip.

10:12am: See student while double-fisting beer 6 and race drink. Bethany demands visit to CNET's camp. Search among 14,000 people turns up empty for CNET.

11:00am: Hy passes around his third joint. Respectfully decline as never have done it, though more than happy to see effect in friends.

11:12am: Inexplicably shout "HORSES! HORSES!" as race 3 gets underway.

12:00pm: Mud is heinous.

12:03pm: Find CNET at Batman Flag. Delight in driving his girlfriend mad with jealousy over my phat-ass drinking hat, shirt, and careless disregard for camp boundaries by trouncing over Caution tape to give CNET and CNET's Buddy 1 a hug.

12:04pm: Amusement abounds as gentleman close-by wraps himself in caution tape.

12:05pm: Becky announces she wants picture with Caution Tape Guy.

12:06pm: Caution Tape Guy exposes his Sack as the only body part not covered in Caution Tape. Becky still stands for picture.

12:08pm: Still howling over Caution Tape Guy.

12:17pm: Head to bathroom with flushing toilets, as people have taken to smearing handles to port-a-johns with mud and writing things like "poop!" on them with the mud (one hopes). Purchase frozen margarita (matches frozen hands) en route.

12:29pm: Purchase second margarita on way back from bathroom.

1:19pm: Find a bunch of college seniors who were freshmen when was their RA as a senior. Hugs and merriment upon reunion; nice feeling.

1:37pm: Beer 10 or 11. Buzzed. Steady enjoyment of antics around us.

2:15pm: Forget reaction to port-a-john; wink at Nearly Naked Guy In Loincloth and Afro-Listic Wig; have picture taken with Nearly Naked Guy.

2:59pm: Girl in lawn chair lands at feet after being pushed by equally belligerent and drunk other girl; huge fight ensues. Am asked to go back to camp with Bethany or go get Rum Runners. Opt for Rum Runners.

3:11pm: Place $2 bet on Foufou's Warrior at 20-1 odds. Have a feeling is winner!

4:47pm: Deflect fight that almost ensues as guy tries to snatch Andy's fiver out of his hand. Andy responds, "Get off my fucking money, pussy!" Guy is peeved. Head shaking and finger pointing is resolved after Mark threatens to shove guy into mud puddle.

5:23pm: Locate CNET again. Girlfriend not impressed, overall, with quality of camp. Make comment about horrendous Yankees hat atop gf's head. Get high fives and hugs from equally-hating-of-girlfriend Becky and Bethany.

5:37pm: Find more friends stowed away in corner. Decide Preakness is better cold to avoid too many reluctant tit-flashings.

6:12pm: Last race. Funny Cide blows away competition in last turn. Stumble out.

7:37pm: Bus still in parking lot. Beer #FORGET. Drink several beers on way home in comfort of bus couch.

8:11pm: Gentleman in Explorer hits Bus making turn. Panic ensues as Explorer is fucked; bus is okay. Hearty laugh had over circumstances; police declare no-fault!

8:57pm: Return home to Biensoul Compound. Look at tv, computer, mud-caked legs; decide upon bed. Awake 10:00am on Sunday.

What a day!

last - next